Delusional Love

Sunday had been an undeniably enjoyable day for Yoonwoo. Watching a movie and cooking curry with Hyerim and Jieun created a memory unlike any other.

They shared the meal they’d prepared and washed dishes together—a scene of family life Yoonwoo had only witnessed on TV. He’d eaten with his parents before, but those times felt like three separate individuals merely occupying the same space.

“So, Tofu, how was it today?” Rabbit asked.

“The senior I mentioned organized for us to watch Inside Out together.”

“Oh really? It’s a masterpiece. But hasn’t it been out of theaters for a while?”

“A place near school was showing it again.”

“How was it? Did you enjoy it?”

“I cried. It was pretty embarrassing…”

“Don’t worry. Parents take their kids to Pixar movies and end up crying themselves.”

“I guess. Oh, that reminds me—I didn’t use much of the money you gave me. I’ll return it.”

Yoonwoo had only bought ice cream for Hyerim and Jieun and a coffee for himself. Returning the money to Rabbit seemed right.

“Tofu,” Rabbit said firmly. “No more talk about returning the money, okay? Or I’ll get upset.”

“Um…”

“You’ll probably see these people again. Keep it as spare cash.”

“Do you think I’ll meet up with them again?”

“Why not? It sounds like at least one of them likes you. They’ll probably want to hang out again.”

“It’s not like that. I hardly talked, and I looked ridiculous crying. They probably think I’m boring and regret inviting me.”

“Tofu, you’re not boring at all. You’re fun.”

Yoonwoo sighed. “You’re just being nice.”

“So, those people aren’t nice?”

“No, that’s not it. I guess I don’t know.”

“It feels like you’re trying too hard to see things negatively.”

“It’s safer that way.”

“Safer?” Rabbit asked. “In what way?”

“If I start expecting days like today again, and then it doesn’t turn out that way…”

“And if it doesn’t?”

“Then it’s much worse. It’s easier to have no expectations.”

“But things don’t always turn out like you imagine, do they?”

“No. Usually, things turn out worse than I imagine.”

“I think this time might be different.”

“I’d rather just think of today as a one-off,” Yoonwoo said. “Tomorrow, I’ll go back to eating salads and canned tuna alone.”

“Well, if everything turns out worse than you imagine, then I’ll come and hang out with you, Tofu.”

Rabbit’s words were comforting, yet the thought of meeting her in person was daunting. What if reality disappointed him? What if she suddenly vanished without a word? Life had a habit of falling short of expectations.

The only thing I can look forward to in life is not dying alone. But what if Rabbit abandons me?

Unlike Rabbit, Yoonwoo wasn’t seeking a death companion. Yet her presence had planted a stubborn seed of hope. Life had been torturous, but the prospect of companionship at the end offered solace. Try as he might to uproot it, anxiety bloomed alongside that hope.

“Thanks. By the way, Rabbit, there’s something I want to discuss.”

“What is it?”

“Maybe you should cut back on drinking. I’m worried about you.”

Rabbit’s laughter crackled through the phone. “Is that all? I’ll try. Don’t worry.”

I should try to persuade Rabbit to drink less, even if I can’t control her as strictly as Hyerim did today with Jieun. It’s important we stay healthy while we’re still alive.

***

The next morning, as Principles of Economics class wrapped up, the first assignment scores were revealed. Yoonwoo and Hyerim scored eleven out of ten from earning bonus points for exceptional work.

“Wow, you solved this alone and got bonus points!” Hyerim exclaimed. “Seems we’re the only ones.”

“It was just a calculation problem,” Yoonwoo explained. “The solution seemed too simple, so I wrote it three different ways, and I guess that’s why she gave us extra points.”

“No wonder the problem looked familiar, but your solution process was strange. Something about Lagrangian or something…”

“It’s nothing special. It’s the same answer, after all.”

“I feel like I’m riding on your coattails too much. I want to do something for you, too.” Hyerim furrowed her brow and said, “I know, I’ll buy you lunch!”

“Don’t do that. It’s only the first round, and the assignment scores aren’t worth much anyway. And you already bought me coffee and macarons last time.”

Yoonwoo knew receiving gifts twice for the same effort wasn’t right.

“I’m about to have lunch with Jieun. Would you like to join us? I’ll buy you coffee after.”

“Thanks, but I have salad I ordered earlier left in the fridge. I’d better finish it before it goes bad.”

“Oh, okay.”

He could have also used such a convenient excuse last week, but Hyerim’s friend had canceled, so he felt leaving her to eat alone wasn’t an option. At the time, he had decided that Hyerim eating by herself was worse than him tossing a 2,700-won salad into the trash. But now, it was different. Hyerim already had plans with Jieun. They’d have fun without him.

It had only been days since they’d started speaking casually. Despite the possibility of remaining mere college acquaintances, Hyerim kept trying to get closer to Yoonwoo.

This scared him. Not because he thought she had ill intentions but because he had thoroughly enjoyed spending the weekend with Hyerim and Jieun. What scared him was the fact that he was happy.

During Contemporary Management class, Yoonwoo’s mind wandered. He recalled reading about bipolar disorder patients being at higher risk of suicide than those with depression. Depression felt like being crushed on the ocean floor, immobilized by pressure. Yet that pressure offered a strange comfort.

I understand that feeling of comfort at the bottom of the deep sea. It’s okay because I’m going to die anyway. It’s okay if people hate me. Everything ends with death.

Bipolar disorder, however, was like a flying fish—soaring above the surface, then plunging back to the depths. The rapid pressure changes caused unbearable mental anguish, sometimes leading to suicide.

Yoonwoo had accepted death, but he couldn’t bear a torturous life. That’s why he couldn’t lift his head or aim for the surface.

Even the great weekend was turning gray in his mind. Why had he chosen Kiki’s Delivery Service as his favorite? Wouldn’t that make him seem weird? Why let Jieun pay for drinks? Had her expression been off? Maybe she was annoyed at cutting the night short due to his low alcohol tolerance.

Why did I make that stupid comment that I was jealous of Riley? They both went silent right after that. And why did I offer to chop the ingredients for the curry when I’ve never done that before? I was so clumsy that Hyerim and Jieun eventually told me to sit.

Maybe he was the only one who enjoyed it. Without him there, the two of them might have had more fun. No, he was sure they would have. He must have been an obstacle to the fun they deserved to have.

The fact that Hyerim had been the one to invite him for drinks and Jieun had booked the movie tickets wasn’t reassuring to him. Because they had initiated the plans, they had probably been more polite to him, even if he was boring or ruining the mood.

So, he had to act like everything was normal. He shouldn’t change his attitude toward them. Nothing in Yoonwoo’s life had changed.

At the end of the Contemporary Management class, he woke suddenly from a short nap and looked around.

Hyerim smiled. “Where are you off to now, Yoonwoo? Gym? Library? I have some free time now if you—”

“I need to go to the laundromat. Coin laundry.”

“Oh? You don’t use the one at home?”

“The one at my place isn’t very good. I was supposed to do it yesterday, but I forgot.”

“I see.”

“Yeah. See you later, Hyerim.”

“Wait a minute!”

“Yes?”

“Do you have salad for dinner, too?”

“Yes.”

“Alone? Every day?”

“Um, yeah.”

He had wondered why she was asking, but it seemed she had stopped him only to confirm that he was a loner.

That stings a bit.

“But last week, you ate street food with me, right?” Hyerim said. “And on Saturday and Sunday, you ate with Jieun Unni and me. So, you don’t always have to eat salad, right?”

Why was she so interested in his eating habits? Was she planning to order a salad for lunch, too?

“The salad I had left over is about to go bad,” he said with a shrug. “So I need to finish it quickly.”

“What if you get sick from it? You should throw it away, Yoonwoo!”

“It seems fine to eat. And I don’t have enough money, so it would be annoying if I had to throw it away.”

“Then listen, if you have to throw away that salad because of me, let me buy you dinner. How about that?”

“That’s okay, Hyerim. Thanks to you, I got to eat tteokbokki and had a fun weekend. It’s wrong to say I have to throw away the salad because of you.”

Yoonwoo knew blaming Hyerim and asking her to buy a meal would be considered antisocial.

“I’m okay, don’t worry about me,” Yoonwoo said firmly. “Last time, I ate something a week past its expiration, and nothing bad happened.”

Hyerim was the kind of person who paid attention to others in the most minute detail. Offering to buy lunch for a small extra credit assignment and then offering dinner because of Yoonwoo’s expired salad showed her considerate personality. Indeed, true popularity wasn’t just about being attractive or good-looking. People who were genuinely respected never missed the little gestures of thoughtfulness.

“See you Wednesday, Hyerim.”

Hyerim gave a hesitant smile and fluttered her lips before waving slightly at Yoonwoo.

***

“Tofu… So you rejected that girl’s offer to eat just because of a salad? We got our nicknames wrong. You’re the Rabbit, not me.”

Yoonwoo sat on his bed, folding laundry while listening to Rabbit through his earphones. Many used indoor clothes racks as both dryer and hanger to avoid folding. But Yoonwoo’s room was too small for a drying rack, so he had to fold and put away his clothes neatly.

He liked organizing his clothes, anyway.

“What about the 50,000 won I gave you? Wasn’t it for situations like this?”

“It was from you, Rabbit, so I can’t just waste it.”

“Then when exactly are you supposed to use it? I meant for you to eat well. Now look at you. I was wrong, I should’ve sent 500,000 won. Then maybe you’d spend it. Should I send more now?”

“No, absolutely not!”

“Why not?”

“What will you live on, Rabbit?”

“Tofu! Why do you always think I don’t have money? I’ll just transfer it to your account right now. Even if you don’t eat with someone, treat yourself to something, like chicken.”

“If you send that money, Rabbit, I won’t eat a thing until I can return it.”

“Are you that dramatic? We’ve agreed to die together anyway, and my money will be meaningless by then, right? Can’t we just share the money and enjoy life, eating nice things?”

“What does it matter what I eat if I’m going to die anyway? More than that, I don’t want to feel indebted when I talk to you.”

“Debt? It’s a gift, Tofu.”

“Even if you say it’s a gift, Rabbit, it feels uncomfortable because I can’t do the same thing for you. I don’t want to have that kind of relationship.”

To Yoonwoo, even gifts were debts that he had to eventually repay.

“So, you’re not using that money because you think of it as a debt?” Rabbit asked.

“That’s why I’d like you to take it back.”

“I think…” Rabbit paused and sighed. “Tofu, you’re so difficult sometimes.”

“What’s so difficult?”

“Winning you over. It’s like hitting a wall every day.”

“Ah, come on.”

Such a statement assumed that there was someone who wanted to win his heart. So far, there had been no takers. The price of a product with no demand was zero. That was why Yoonwoo had removed that product from the shelf long ago.