Delusional Love

Hyerim felt frustrated.

The drinks and movie with Yoonwoo and Jieun had felt effortless, like sailing with a favorable wind. She shared two classes with Yoonwoo, tackled group assignments together, shared meals and drinks. They’d even watched a movie. To any observer, they’d appear close friends.

That’s why Hyerim longed to open up about everything she’d held back for a decade. She envisioned chatting over meals, studying for exams, taking spring trips, and traveling together. But things weren’t going as smoothly as she’d hoped.

Why hasn’t anything changed since last week?

Yoonwoo had left, claiming he needed to finish the leftover salad. Hyerim hadn’t seen that coming. She wasn’t conceited, but most men jumped at any chance to make plans with her. She’d always been too busy dodging invitations to worry about rejection.

In fact, Hyerim had never experienced rejection when extending an invitation. So she never imagined Yoonwoo would say no; she entered the classroom thinking only about which restaurant to try with Yoonwoo and what kind of food he might like.

But he’d declined for an expired salad. The rejection stung, but learning Yoonwoo survived on such meals shocked her more. She’d heard him mention that money was tight and he couldn’t afford to eat out much, but she had no idea it was that bad.

Hyerim wondered why he wouldn’t just let her pay for every meal. She had plenty. Her father tried to buy her affection, a habit that intensified after she moved out. She received a monthly allowance exceeding one million won, plus income from commercial properties in her name.

With money constantly flowing in, Hyerim often felt compelled to spend it. Using it on Yoonwoo seemed perfect—meals out, new clothes, travel. He’d never been overseas; she imagined his wide-eyed reactions on a trip together.

She thought back to what he had said to her.

“That’s okay, Hyerim. Thanks to you, I got to eat tteokbokki and had a fun weekend. It’s wrong to say I have to throw away the salad because of you.”

It was a typical kind-hearted response from Yoonwoo. It was very much like him, but why couldn’t he accept her offer and have fun together? If he stayed home because of money, when would they ever be able to hang out?

Still, Yoonwoo’s a good person, so he’ll eventually accept if I keep inviting him.

With this thought, Hyerim decided to be patient and keep trying.

***

On Wednesday, after the Principles of Economics class ended, Hyerim turned to Yoonwoo and asked, “Yoonwoo, what are you doing for lunch today? Jieun and I are going to BongChoSu Dumplings. Why don’t you come with us? I’m paying, so don’t feel pressured…”

Yoonwoo sighed. It’s because you’re paying that I feel pressured.

Her eagerness to treat him was becoming uncomfortable. He owed Jieun a meal and was determined to pay her back next month, so he didn’t want to create more obligations. He hoped his refusals would discourage her, but Hyerim was persistent.

Monday’s expired salad excuse wouldn’t work today. She’d tell him to toss it. Fortunately, he had a better reason.

“Sorry, Hyerim. I actually have plans.”

“Plans? With who?”

The smile faded from her face, and her brow furrowed. She seemed to be trying to maintain a smile, but her expression couldn’t hide her annoyance. Yoonwoo regretted his words, knowing that mentioning prior engagements after so many excuses would upset her.

“Is it a girl? Did you find someone to eat salad with?”

“No, not a girl. I’m going to the hospital. Although the doctor happens to be a woman,” he added with an uncomfortable laugh, startled by her sarcasm.

He was rushing to explain, but it was true. He had a 1 p.m. psychiatric appointment.

“The hospital?” Hyerim asked, her expression and tone suddenly soft and concerned. “Are you sick? Is it a cold?”

“No, it’s just the usual hospital I go to. I have an appointment.”

“You have appointments scheduled? Can I ask what it’s for?”

Yoonwoo didn’t want to say it, but after seeing Hyerim’s expression just moments ago, he didn’t have the courage to refuse.

“Um… I’ve just been having trouble sleeping lately. So I’ve been seeing a psychiatrist.”

It wasn’t entirely a lie; he did have sleeping pills among his medications. These days, going to a psychiatrist didn’t automatically lead to being treated like someone with a mental illness, but there was still no benefit in openly admitting to taking antidepressants.

Online, people reacted to depression with comments like, “If you’re depressed, shouldn’t you be in bed?” or useless advice like, “Think positively!” Yoonwoo knew it was better to stay quiet about his situation.

“You know you can get sleeping pills from a general practitioner, right? Is a psychiatrist necessary?”

Yoonwoo knew this, of course, but he didn’t expect Hyerim to know.

“Is there something else going on? You can talk to me about it. I don’t judge, and if you’re struggling with something, I want to help.”

The kind of naivety needed to take these words to heart was something Yoonwoo had left behind in second grade, next to a melting snowman.

“No, it’s nothing. The world’s going down the drain these days. Everyone’s a bit depressed, right? I’m just taking some medication for that. Don’t worry.”

Was everyone depressed? Yoonwoo wasn’t sure, but that’s what people said. He wondered if Hyerim ever felt depressed. She seemed like someone who’d be happy just looking in the mirror.

“Even so…”

“I need to hurry. I have to stop by my place to grab some stuff before going to the hospital. And Hyerim, you should go soon, too, right? BongChoSu Dumplings gets busy quickly. It’s always crowded.”

Since the restaurant was visible outside the Economics and Politics building, where his classes were, he often saw it passing by.

When Hyerim said nothing, Yoonwoo continued, “Anyway, see you in fifth period.”

After saying he’d see her later, Yoonwoo turned away from Hyerim and quickly made his way through the crowd, eager to escape. He didn’t want to see her face. What if Hyerim genuinely cared about him and was a good person? Yoonwoo disliked that even more.

The true torment of being trapped in a cave wasn’t the darkness itself, but the faint glimmer of light hinting at an exit. Without that hint, one might focus on surviving in the darkness. But that tiny glimpse of hope, the idea of escape, keeps a person wandering endlessly, unable to give up. Ultimately, it could push them deeper into despair.

That was why he had decided long ago not to look for an escape. No matter what kind of person Hyerim was, it wouldn’t affect Yoonwoo’s suicide three years from now.

“So, Yoonwoo, how have you been feeling lately?”

“The same.”

“It’s been a while since the semester started. Have you made any friends? Or thought about joining any clubs?”

“No.”

Yoonwoo responded to the seemingly pointless questions from the psychiatrist. The dosage of his prescribed medication didn’t decrease today, either.

***

“Unni, Yoonwoo’s so cold with me. What should I do?” Hyerim asked Jieun as they sat together at BongChoSu Dumplings.

“Hyerim, you’re too cold to me. What should I do?”

“Come on, be serious.”

“I’m seriously asking, too. With these delicious dumplings, we could have some Igwaduju soju, right?”

“Your dad’s number is 0105…”

“Okay, fine! What did Yoonwoo say?”

“It feels like he’s put up a wall with me.”

“How so?”

“I want to be friends, but he keeps drawing a line. Like he’s saying, “We’re not that close.” It hurts. No matter what I say, he keeps declining all my invitations to hang out.”

“Maybe he’s like that with everyone.”

“Even so, I wish he wouldn’t be like that with me.”

“You guys haven’t known each other that long.”

“So, should I just keep waiting and see if it changes?”

“Probably not.”

“Then what should I do?”

“Hyerim, it’s probably a bit rude to say this about Yoonwoo, but he might not have received much love as a child.”

Hyerim’s eyes widened. “Did you think that too?”

“Yeah. Even looking at how he reacted after the movie on Sunday and how a person as tall and handsome as he is still puts up walls and keeps his distance from people—it’s odd, isn’t it? Any other freshman would be driven by their desires.”

“Unni!”

“People who didn’t receive love as children find it hard to give or accept it.”

“Where did you hear that?”

“From a documentary I watched while drinking.”

“So, what should I do?”

“Maybe just keep things casual like we did last weekend?”

“But nothing changes that way.”

“Still, he doesn’t seem that emotionally available. When someone tries to get close, he builds a wall. So unlike other people, he’s not the type to flirt. If it were any other guy, he’d probably be imagining his kids’ names by the time you asked him out for a drink. The fact that he agreed for me to tag along because he felt awkward… Well, it’s a bit…”

“Am I not attractive? Is that why he doesn’t think of me that way?”

“That’s not it. He just doesn’t think that way.”

“Can’t I make him?”

“Who knows? Maybe try running at him naked!” Jieun laughed but stopped abruptly when she caught Hyerim’s expression. “Uh… I was joking.”

“I know.”

“But why the serious face? You scared me.”

“So, you’re saying I should be more forward?”

“Huh? I didn’t mean it like that.”

“You’re right. In the fourth grade, I think I messed up because I was too concerned about saving face. I should have just gone for it.”

“Hyerim, calm down,’ Jieun waved her hands. “I didn’t say that.”

“Thanks, Unni. I feel like I’ve sorted out my feelings a bit. From now on, I’ll just do and say what I want.”

“You’re not listening to me at all. If you’re thankful, can I just order a bottle of soju?”

“No.”

“Ugh. Why do I have to see your scary face when spending my money on drinks? Ah, okay, I won’t do it. Calm down.”

Jieun thought Hyerim was becoming more like a strict mother, but she kept quiet and ate her dumplings because she feared Hyerim’s stern look. Hyerim seemed more sensitive since she started hanging out with Yoonwoo. She was still a kind and good friend, just slightly more scary.

***

Yoonwoo’s psychiatric consultation ended in just ten minutes.

He tucked the prescription in his bag, planning to take his medication after class. He didn’t understand the bi-weekly visits. A couple months’ worth at once would be more convenient.

“Yoonwoo! Did you go to the hospital?” Hyerim asked as he entered the classroom.

Even though the class wasn’t starting for another thirty minutes, she was already seated. She handed Yoonwoo coffee and macarons, just like last week.

“Hyerim? What’s this…?”

“You helped me get bonus points, but you seemed down. This is to cheer you up!”

“Thanks, but you gave me these last week. If you keep doing this, I’ll feel burdened.”

“Burdened? By me?”

It was an awkward question.

“Um, yeah. Well, macarons are expensive, right? I don’t have much money, so even if I accept these, I can’t do the same for you.”

“You don’t have to. I’m paying you back.”

“Then it makes me uncomfortable.”

“Uncomfortable? Because of me?”

“Huh…?”

Hyerim’s tone seemed off. She was insistent, nitpicking words, making it hard to respond.

“So, you find me burdensome and uncomfortable? You don’t like me?”

“Huh? Hyerim, why are you suddenly— When did I say I didn’t like you?”

“It’s almost half past one, right? Yoonwoo, wasn’t your hospital appointment at 1 p.m.? Did you walk back here after the consultation in just thirty minutes? It takes fifteen minutes from Anam Station to the Business building, so the hospital must not be far. Classes ended at 11:45, so you had plenty of time, but you still declined my invitation to have lunch together. So, you must not like me, right?”

Hyerim spoke softly, but tears formed in her eyes, her voice trembling. Yoonwoo had never faced such a situation before. He could never have imagined that the cool, social Hyerim would say such things, leaving him unsure of what to do. He needed to console her before other students arrived.

“No, Hyerim. Why would I dislike you? Absolutely not. It’s not like that.”

“So why did you turn me down for lunch?”

“Hyerim. I didn’t have enough for food. I planned to get by with the salad and tuna I had at home. There was no other reason.”

“Why is that an issue? I said I’d pay!”

“But, if I keep taking, I feel burdened…”

“So, you’re saying you dislike me because I’m a burden?!” Hyerim raised her voice. It was an illogical argument, but one that couldn’t be won.

“No, Hyerim, that’s not what I’m saying.”

“If that’s not it, next time I offer to pay, you won’t refuse it, right?”

Surprisingly, Hyerim opened a way out of the conversation. To avoid escalation, Yoonwoo agreed.

“Okay, I won’t refuse. Please don’t be upset.”

“Alright! Then, should we go somewhere tonight?”

“Tonight?”

“Why? You don’t want to? So you do dislike me.”

“No, no, that’s not it. I don’t dislike you, Hyerim.”

At this, Hyerim smiled as if she’d never been upset. Yoonwoo leaned back, confused by the entire situation.