Delusional Love

“Where are you headed now, Yoonwoo?” Hyerim asked as soon as class ended.

“To the library. There’s still a lot of time until dinner…” Yoonwoo’s voice trembled slightly, fearful that Hyerim might pressure him again.

“I see.”

Fortunately, Hyerim was quietly packing her things. It seemed like she was pretty upset that Yoonwoo had brushed off her kind offer at lunchtime with a flimsy excuse. He’d spent the entire class mulling over the situation. There was only one answer: he had been caught in his lie. Hyerim must have discovered that the psychiatry clinic wasn’t far from campus, undermining his excuse’s credibility. His mistake was coming to the Business building early. He thought Hyerim would eat dumplings with Jieun, then go for coffee and a long chat and only show up right before class.

“Let’s go, Yoonwoo,” Hyerim said.

“Huh? Where to?”

“To the library, right?”

“Oh? Are you coming with me?”

“Is that not okay?”

“No, of course, it’s fine. But I’m going to Hana Library.”

“And?”

“Your house is quite far from there, isn’t it?”

“Do you not want me there?”

“No, that’s not what I meant. I just thought it might be a bit far for you.”

“It’s not. Let’s get going.”

Confronted with this unexpected turn, Yoonwoo decided to go along without a fuss.

After arriving at Hana Library, Yoonwoo and Hyerim headed to the piano room so they could talk aloud and review each other’s work on the week’s assignment for Principles of Economics. The room was an open space with desks, chairs, and a grand piano in the center.

“Your solutions are much more polished than mine,” Hyerim remarked, glancing at his work. “Maybe I should redo mine?”

“Your answers look correct too. Let’s keep going.”

“I’m worried we won’t get the extra points.”

“We don’t need extra points. Assignment scores aren’t weighted heavily anyway.”

“True.”

It was an easy introductory problem, so Yoonwoo and Hyerim finished reviewing sooner than they thought. While they were looking at their books, a couple approached the piano and sat side by side, shoulder to shoulder. The woman, likely a piano major, played several complex classical pieces flawlessly.

Yoonwoo rarely came here due to the unpredictable skill levels of pianists. Once, he’d tried studying here when it was empty, but a beginner’s stumbling performance had made concentration impossible. He’d decided then not to return.

Today’s proficient player was a rare sight. Hyerim also seemed to enjoy the music, watching the piano player intently for a long time.

After finishing the piece, the woman gave the man a light peck and rubbed her cheek on his. Yoonwoo wondered if they hadn’t noticed him and Hyerim when they entered. It was more than a brief cheek-to-cheek; it felt too intimate for such a public place.

A little later, after the woman finally stopped nuzzling her companion, she told him to play the piano keys however he liked, randomly hitting them. He did exactly that, pressing the black and white keys without any order, but the woman seamlessly accompanied his chaotic playing, transforming the disjointed notes into a harmonious piece. The man praised her, amazed by her skill, and the woman looked at him with a satisfied smile.

The man wrapped his arm around the woman’s waist, and she lightly touched his thigh as their faces drew closer. Their intense, affectionate gazes felt too intimate for Yoonwoo to continue watching.

“I can do that too,” Hyerim said suddenly as the couple kissed.

Yoonwoo wondered what she meant. Surely, she wasn’t talking about the kiss. She must mean she can play the piano like that.

“Huh? That’s impressive, Hyerim. I didn’t know you played.”

“Do you want to try it after they leave?”

Yoonwoo hesitated before answering, “It feels really awkward to sit there after them…”

Initially, he had admired the playing, but the increasing intimacy of the couple’s actions made him uncomfortable. If Yoonwoo and Hyerim hadn’t been there, would the couple have gone even further right there on the piano bench? And then to sit with Hyerim at the piano right after that…

“Hmph, you always reject my suggestions.”

“What!” He exclaimed loudly, his face burning with embarrassment.

Hyerim’s lips curled up gently, and Yoonwoo realized she was joking. They smiled at each other and returned their focus to study.

“Yoonwoo, should we go eat now?”

Yoonwoo tensed. Guess I don’t have a choice.

Since he could no longer refuse Hyerim’s offer to treat him, he had planned to accept her next invitation and suggest something inexpensive. Maybe a burger place—it would be affordable enough for him to reciprocate later.

“Do you have a place in mind?” Yonwoo asked.

“I’ve already made a reservation.”

“What? When?”

“Just now. When I stepped out for a bit after we watched that couple at the piano.”

“Wow… Where?”

“It’s a surprise. You’ll see when we get there.”

Yoonwoo’s mind raced. A reservation-only place in this neighborhood? That ruled out his burger plan. Most restaurants here didn’t take reservations unless it was for a large group. He hoped it wasn’t too expensive—how would he ever return the favor?

With a sigh, Yoonwoo followed Hyerim, his steps heavy.

“Hyerim, this is…” he said as they slowed to a stop in front of the restaurant. “Are we going here?”

“Yes, come on.”

Yoonwoo hesitated. “I’m more of a burger guy. It’s a waste to bring me somewhere like this. I’d be fine with that deli near school.”

“Yoonwoo?” Hyerim’s voice softened.

“Yeah?”

“If you don’t come in, should I take that to mean you don’t like me?”

Her intense gaze bore into him. Unable to resist, he followed her inside Tourtour de Gusto—an upscale restaurant far beyond a typical student’s budget.

Scanning the menu, Yoonwoo’s heart sank. Damn, the cheapest item is 18,000 won? That was four meals for him. He’d planned to order the least expensive dish, but even that seemed extravagant.

Still, he figured he could skip a few meals to save up some money to repay her.

“Why are you looking at the menu like that?” Hyerim asked with a smile. “I already placed the order when we came in.”

“You already ordered?”

“Yes. I thought you would pick something cheap because you’d be concerned about the price, so I decided for us.”

“What did you order?”

“Oh, I forgot about wine. Do you like red or white?”

He glanced at the menu. The cheapest wine was 80,000 won.

After a moment, he said, “It’s Monday, isn’t it? Starting the week with wine is probably a bit much, don’t you think?”

“Do you have class first period tomorrow?”

Yoonwoo decided to lie, feeling the situation warranted it. “I do…”

“That’s a shame. Let’s have wine next time.”

Next time? Yoonwoo vowed there wouldn’t be one.

The salad with yuzu dressing arrived, and the main dish was served after some time. Yoonwoo had only picked at the salad, hardly able to tell whether he was really eating it.

“Here is your sirloin with truffle,” said the server, setting down a huge steak dish.

What sort of fancy steak did she order?

“Let me know if you need more, okay?” Hyerim said as Yoonwoo eyed it.

“I think this will be fine.”

The portion was more than enough for his small appetite. He was more worried it might not be enough for Hyerim. As he cut the meat, he sneakily glanced at the menu and saw that the price was 38,000 won, making it the most expensive item in the restaurant.

Clearly, this menu wasn’t designed with the budget of student diners in mind.

“You should eat more red meat, Yoonwoo. How can someone as tall as you live on just salad and tuna?”

“Well, the tuna is cheap because I buy it in bulk. And it’s lean and high in protein, so it’s pretty filling.”

“Don’t you get tired of eating it every day?”

“I like canned tuna, so it’s fine.”

Of course, he was tired of it. But Yoonwoo believed eating was for survival, not pleasure. Such luxuries weren’t for someone in his circumstances.

Eating a steak that cost this much was beyond what he allowed himself. But not eating it wasn’t an option either. He was worried it would upset his stomach.

“How is it? Does it taste good? Do you like it?” Hyerim asked, looking at his half-eaten steak.

“Yeah, it’s delicious. This is the first time I’ve had something this nice. Thanks for bringing me here.”

Even if the steak tasted like mint chocolate, he’d have to praise it. It was delicious, of course, but the extravagance felt wasteful. There were equally enjoyable meals that cost far less.

“Really?” Hyerim giggled. “That’s good.”

“Still…” Yonwoo hesitated. “I think this place is too expensive for me.”

“You’re not about to talk about feeling pressured again, are you?”

That was exactly it. It was incredibly overwhelming. Eating with Hyerim was stressful, and having a fancy meal was also nerve-wracking. And now the two were combined.

Yoonwoo knew he needed to tell her that this shouldn’t happen again. For the next three years, he needed peace of mind, not the pleasures of eating. He looked up, catching Hyerim’s furrowed brow.

“To be honest, yeah, Hyerim. It’s not because I don’t like you. What guy in the world wouldn’t?”

“A guy like you, it seems.”

“I’m trying to tell you it’s not like that.”

“Then why do you always avoid anything I try to offer? You accepted when Jieun Unnie bought you drinks, took you to the movies, and even cooked for you.”

“That’s why I’ve roughly calculated what I owe her. I need to repay about 15,000 won to Jieun Noona.”

He had figured it would cover about 10,000 won per person at the chicken restaurant, the cost of a movie ticket, and then there was the Oreo shake he bought. Calculating what he owed for the homemade curry Jieun made was a bit more complicated, so he had put it on hold in his mind.

“Are you seriously calculating all of that? Jieun Unnie probably forgets about those things the next day.”

“Yes. I have to calculate it that way to feel at ease.”

Otherwise, he felt as if people might criticize or blame him at any moment, like the girls in high school who relentlessly gossiped and scorned him when he failed to give back chocolates on Valentine’s Day.

“Because of all our assignments and classes, I see you much more often than Jieun Noona, right? But what I owe you keeps piling up, making it harder to repay. And if I can’t repay you, I’ll feel so pathetic that I won’t even be able to look you in the eye. And a meal like this…”

“I don’t think you’re pathetic at all, Yoonwoo,” Hyerim insisted. “Just don’t be so strict about counting everything with me. It’s okay to accept things sometimes. I’m doing this because I want to, so don’t worry about it.”

“How can I not worry?” Yoonwoo’s voice cracked slightly. “Even as I’m eating this steak, I can’t stop thinking about how it’s exceeding my budget, and I keep wondering how I’ll repay it.”

“Can you only feel at ease if the exchange is financially equal? That’s a transaction, isn’t it? I didn’t come here to make you owe me. I just came to treat you to a meal and to see you enjoy it.”

Yoonwoo sighed. “Thanks, Hyerim. I appreciate you saying that. But I’ve lived this way for so long, I can’t suddenly act differently just with you.”

He couldn’t believe her words. Everything was a transaction for him. There was no such thing as kindness without debt. Her kindness seemed too sweet, almost overwhelmingly so—like a queen-sized bed appearing out of nowhere in the middle of a vast, arid desert. An illusion.

“What am I supposed to do, then?” Hyerim protested. “I want to eat out with you and hang out on weekends. How am I supposed to react when you say you don’t have enough money to eat with me, so you decide to stay home and eat salad alone?”

“I appreciate the sentiment, but instead of doing things that cost a lot, just invite me out when you want to go hiking or to the gym. I don’t dislike you; I can join you for those things.”

Yoonwoo wasn’t sure why Hyerim was trying to hang out with him, but he neither had the mental nor financial capacity to join her. Those activities were more suited for her other cheerful and wealthy friends. Scheduling a time for the gym would likely be hard to coordinate, and would he even be bothered to go hiking?

There were way more fun things to do in the world that cost money, whether bowling or rock climbing. Hyerim might humor a stubborn, broke guy like him a few times, but she would eventually return to her bright and glamorous life. And then Yoonwoo could sink back into his heavy yet familiar depression, knowing that that’s just how life was.

“No! I don’t want it to be just sometimes,” Hyerim said. “Hold on.”

“Huh?”

“So you’re saying as long as it doesn’t cost money, anything is fine with you?”

“Not anything, but maybe most things?”

“Then why don’t we just go to your house and eat there?”

What on earth is she talking about?

“Um… No, my place is tiny. It’s a studio. There’s not enough space for two people.”

“Then my place would work.”

“Huh?”

“My place is in a new building, so it’s spacious. Yoonwoo, you’re in the Economics department, right? I live right in front of it. That way, even on days we don’t have classes, we can meet up and eat together!”

“Uh, Hyerim? Hold on.”

“Why not just have your salad delivered to my place? Let’s just move everything in your fridge over now. I could order the same salad. I’d save money, manage my diet, and we would be eating together. Am I not a genius?”

“Hyerim? Are you listening to me?”

“Why? There’s no reason to refuse now, right? If we order together, we can get more variety for less money. And we could invite Jieun, though she probably doesn’t eat greens. It’ll be easier to keep an eye on her drinking, too.”

“Hyerim, as much as I appreciate it, I think that’s too much.”

“What? What’s too much now? What’s the reason this time?”

“I’m embarrassed,” he said quietly.

The suggestion to store ingredients in Hyerim’s fridge and share them meant Yoonwoo would have to visit her place for every meal. Even if Jieun came along sometimes, she wouldn’t come every day. Going to a woman’s house alone was too daunting for him. Could that alone be reason enough to say no?

“I didn’t know you could joke, too. Come on, finish what’s left on your plate, and let’s move your fridge stuff to mine.”

“No, really, Hyerim,” Yoonwoo protested. “I’d have to visit your place every day. It could be…”

“What do you mean?”

“Don’t you think it could be risky? For you, I mean.”

Hyerim recalled Jieun’s teasing. “What, Yoonwoo, do you see me as a woman?”

“Of course. How could I not?”

“Oh! Good then. Let’s go move your stuff to my fridge.”

Hyerim felt her face flush at his unexpected response, fanning herself frantically.

“How do you know I’m not a weirdo?” Yoonwoo persisted. “If you just let anyone into your house like that…”

“It’s okay. I’m sure you’re not.”

“Ugh…”

Well, we lift almost the same weights. Maybe she’s even learned some martial arts.

Yoonwoo took Hyerim’s words to mean that she was confident she could beat him in a one-on-one match. Indeed, even if Yoonwoo were slightly stronger, Hyerim would have a technical advantage with her jiu-jitsu or other martial arts training. Of course, this was all theoretical because he would never hurt her.

“And what if you want to have lunch with another friend?” Yoonwoo said, still reaching for an excuse. “Or what if you want to bring another friend over? I’d be in the way.”

“That won’t happen.”

“You can’t be sure.”

“I don’t have other friends. Only Jieun.”

Yoonwoo felt his mouth drop open. Is that even possible?

“And what about you, Yoonwoo? Are you saying this because you want to make plans with someone else?”

“What? No. I’m clearly a loner, aren’t I?”

“Then there’s no problem. Let’s go.”

He felt anxious, suspecting there would be more issues, but he couldn’t articulate his unease right then. He worried that Hyerim would quickly tire of him visiting her house for the same boring meals.

Yet, rejecting her suggestion again might upset her, so he continued eating the remaining steak while frantically trying to find a better excuse.

The dinner was more delicious than anything he could usually afford, but he felt miserable standing behind Hyerim as she paid.