Delusional Love

“Wow, Yoonwoo, how do you live in a place like this?” Hyerim said the moment she burst into his house.

Yoonwoo’s worst fears were confirmed. He’d been reluctant to let her in, and now he knew why.

“It’s tiny,” she marveled, eyes roving the cramped space. “You can almost touch the ceiling. I can barely stretch my arms.”

“I warned you,” Yoonwoo said. “Want to wait outside while I bring everything out?”

“No, I’ll help. Besides, I want to look around.”

Yoonwoo struggled to maneuver around Hyerim in the confined space. His coats lay haphazardly on a chair, books cluttered his desk, and a half-full trash bag nestled next to a laundry basket in the corner. The entire room could be surveyed in seconds, yet Hyerim’s gaze lingered, taking it all in.

Except for the area occupied by his bed, there was barely enough space for one person to sit, let alone stretch out. As they squeezed past each other to reach the fridge, Hyerim’s hair brushed against him. The scent of her shampoo mingled with her natural fragrance and a hint of meat.

Yoonwoo wished she would wait outside.

He really shouldn’t have let her come in. The room was more coffin than a studio—dark, stuffy, with discolored wallpaper. He tried to block Hyerim from seeing the laundry basket in the corner, but he couldn’t help but feel ashamed. The room seemed to reflect his worth.

“There’s only salad in the fridge,” Hyerim noted. “What’s in the freezer?”

“Pork sirloin. I bought it in bulk. It’s a change from tuna.”

It technically wasn’t a lie, but since the semester started, laziness had driven him to rely mostly on canned tuna.

“And you have boxes of tuna cans?”

“It’s cheaper to buy in bulk. I wanted to buy the restaurant-sized ones like they have at street stalls, but once you open those, you have to keep them refrigerated. And they wouldn’t fit in this fridge.”

“Oh, Yoonwoo,” Hyerim murmured, worry creasing her brow. “This isn’t good. You can’t eat like this.”

“I like tuna. It’s fine.”

“No, it’s not! Opening a can for every meal—what are you, a cat? Too much tuna leads to mercury build-up. I’ll take these and make rice balls. Eat something else for a while, okay?”

Yoonwoo didn’t care about mercury build-up. He had no plans for a long life anyway.

“Don’t forget, Hyerim,” he reminded her, “my food budget is limited. And we agreed—no more money from you.”

“I’ll buy these tuna cans from you. And you can use that money to buy different groceries. You said you’re more comfortable when things involve money or a transaction, right? Would that suit you?”

“Uh… Those cans are 1,200 won each,” Yoonwoo countered. “I might as well eat them this month.”

Ignoring him, Hyerim pressed on. “I’ll buy the pork sirloin too. Why not give me your food budget for next month? I’ll handle the grocery shopping.”

“You don’t need to do that.”

“Yoonwoo,” she insisted, “you might be getting enough calories, but a balanced diet matters. Bulk ordering and sharing can improve our meals without increasing costs.”

Yoonwoo hesitated. This arrangement would deepen his dependence on Hyerim and restrict her choices. It couldn’t last. Eventually, she’d tire of it, leaving him unnecessarily disappointed.

“If we do that,” he argued, “you won’t eat what you want. We have different preferences. You love good food; I’m fine with anything.”

“Yoonwoo, can you please stop looking for reasons that this won’t work,” Hyerim said in an intimidating voice, unlike her normally calm tone.

“Huh? Oh… ”

“I’ll be upset if you refuse again. Don’t debate whether we should do it. Just focus on planning our diet together. Understood?”

“Yeah, I got it.”

Hearing her put it that way, Yoonwoo didn’t have the will to refuse. She sounded very serious; he believed her when she said she would get more upset. He couldn’t imagine what she’d do if he pushed her further.

The situation’s strangeness struck him. Not only had he agreed to meals at Hyerim’s, but now he was entrusting her with his food expenses. It wouldn’t increase his financial debt, but it burdened her. He had no idea how to repay her kindness.

“Oh, right, I forgot to ask you. What time is your lunch break on Tuesdays and Thursdays? And are you free on Fridays?”

“Lunchtime’s always the same. Tuesdays and Thursdays, I have back-to-back classes until 6:30. Fridays, I have two two-and-a-half-hour lectures, morning and afternoon.”

“So our meal times match. Good.” Hyerim paused, lips pursed. “Wait a second, I thought…”

“What is it?”

“You’re taking nineteen credits, right?”

“Yeah, two mandatory freshman courses.”

“So, six credits Monday and Wednesday, six Friday, and seven Tuesday and Thursday afternoons. Correct?”

“Right.”

“But didn’t you mention a class tomorrow morning? It sounds like you don’t have any then.”

“Oops…”

Yoonwoo hadn’t expected her to remember that detail and deduce his entire schedule.

“Oops? Did you just say ‘oops’ to me? Were you lying, then?”

“I didn’t mean to lie,” Yoonwoo mumbled. “The wine was just so expensive. Sorry, Hyerim.”

Hyerim’s eyes narrowed. “I didn’t expect that from you. But I’ll let it go if you promise not to lie again. Deal?”

“I promise.”

“Pinky promise,” Hyerim insisted, extending her little finger.

Yoonwoo hesitated. “Do we have to? It’s embarrassing…”

“Give me your pinky. Go on.”

Yoonwoo blushed from his neck to his cheeks as he pinky promised. He had never done anything like that, even as a kid. Mortified, he snatched the salad and tuna cans from the fridge and bolted from his studio.

They lugged the food to Hyerim’s apartment, piling it at her door. Her Libertas studio, barely a year old, radiated the clean, stylish vibe he’d imagined for a college student like her.

They stood there momentarily staring at the food before Hyerim turned to him. “Call me when you’re on your way to mine for lunch tomorrow, okay?”

“Wouldn’t it be better if I helped organize everything in the fridge?”

“No need. I can’t invite you in today.”

“Oh, right. I was just thinking of myself. Sorry to make you do all the work.”

“It’s fine. Just come for lunch tomorrow, Yoonwoo.”

Perhaps she didn’t open the door because the room was in a state similar to Jieun’s when they went to watch a movie. Even though he wanted to help move the stuff from his fridge, lingering here might make her uncomfortable.

“Okay. See you tomorrow.”

Yoonwoo was relieved that they parted with smiles. Plus, Hyerim had promised him she wouldn’t offer any financial help that might burden him in the future. But he knew he still needed to repay the favors he had already received.

The memory of the 38,000-won steak at Tourtour de Gusto, plus the coffee and macarons from earlier, gnawed at him. He’d have to settle up when his expense money arrived.

***

“You can’t deny now that she has feelings for you, can you?” Rabbit asked smugly.

“Maybe she’s just helping a friend in need,” Yoonwoo countered.

“Wow… You really are oblivious.”

“Rabbit, did you drink today?”

“No, but this conversation makes me want to.”

“She looks after her friend who drinks a lot, remember? So, she’s probably doing the same for me.”

“How can you have zero expectations? Aren’t you excited? Or do you just not like her?”

“She’s really pretty,” Yoonwoo admitted softly.

“Oh, pretty, is she? And you don’t want to give it a shot? Not even a little?”

“What shot? You and I are supposed to die together in three years, aren’t we?”

“What if she likes you? If things work out with her, you might not want to die and could continue to live happily together.”

“Huh?” Yoonwoo frowned. “Why… Why would you say that?”

“What do you mean?”

“Rabbit, don’t you want to die with me?”

“I do.”

“Are you suggesting this because you’ve changed your mind about our plan?”

“Huh? No! Why would I do that?”

“Then why do you keep talking about her?” Yoonwoo snapped. “She has nothing to do with us, right? But you keep saying that she might have feelings for me.”

“Um… That’s not what I meant. I just want you to choose to die with me of your own free will.”

“What? My decision to die with you is already my choice.”

“If you’re ignoring other options just to die with me, is it really your decision? Or is it because you don’t see alternatives? I can see other opportunities for you. I want you to choose me out of genuine love, not lack of options.”

“No. There are no other possibilities. Even if there were, I’d always choose you.”

“It’s like being trapped in a forest where only apples grow. You naturally believe apples are the best since you don’t know any other fruit besides apples. I hope that after you experience a forest with various fruits, you still opt for the apple despite having other options. Do you get the analogy?”

“So you’re saying you’re the apple?” Yoonwoo said.

“Exactly. So don’t just look at me; try to get along with other people who come your way. If you still think I’m the best choice for you, tell me. That’s all I want.”

“Your analogy doesn’t really apply to me, though. No matter how I think about it, I’m not the one in a position to choose, am I? Rather, I’m more concerned about whether I can accept your choice.”

“Why worry about that? For me, it’s only you, Tofu.”

“Actually, I’ve been thinking about that. For me, there’s no one else but you, but following your analogy, it’s like I’ve been living alone in an apple orchard. So, what if you suddenly stop wanting me? If I’m all alone in the apple orchard and the apples reject me…”

“That won’t happen,” Rabbit said confidently.

“How are you so sure? You haven’t even met me. What if you’re disappointed?”

“Isn’t it the same for you? You haven’t met me either.”

“I know you’re kind and considerate. No matter what you’re like when we meet, I won’t treat you differently,” Yonwoo promised.

“I appreciate you thinking of me that way. And I feel the same. My actions toward you won’t change either.”

“But what if you meet me and don’t like my appearance or how I act?”

“Tofu, you’re doing it again. I absolutely won’t feel that way. I trust you. Why don’t you trust me?”

“Having you in my life has brought me so much comfort. I feel entirely different from before we met. Talking with you at night while I drift off to sleep, knowing I won’t be alone even in death. Before, I used to dread the idea of dying alone in my cramped room. I used to think no one would notice my decomposing body, so whoever discovered me would be sickened by the sight. But with you, even as decaying corpses, it seems tolerable. Life’s more manageable now. But lately, I’ve been anxious.”

“What’s bothering you?” Rabbit prompted.

“What if three years from now, I meet you, ready to die, and you look at me and say, ‘I’ve wasted my time’ and walk away? The more I’ve depended on you, the more miserable that would be. Could I do it alone? Without you, everything would feel wrong. Maybe I’d opt for a different method. Sometimes I think about it, going into the woods alone, consumed by despair, searching for the right tree…”

“Stop! Just stop, you idiot. If you’re having those thoughts, why don’t we meet now? Let’s meet, and you’ll see that I won’t be disappointed.”

“Now? It’s 10 p.m,” Yoonwoo said, surprised.

“I’m not saying right now! How about this Sunday morning?”

“The time is okay, but I’m still worried.”

“We need to meet so I can change your mind! Let’s meet this Sunday, 9 a.m., in front of the Paris Baguette at Anam Station.”

“Huh? How did you know I live near Anam Station? I never mentioned that.”

“You go to Gogo University, right?”

“Yeah, but I’ve never mentioned that.”

“Didn’t you say you saw Inside Out being replayed this Sunday?”

“Yeah, I did.”

“I searched, and the theater replaying the movie was only near Gogo University. Two women’s universities are nearby, but you wouldn’t be attending those, right?”

“Ah… I see.”

“But since you said it doesn’t matter what I look like, I’ll cover my face. Maybe I’ll wear a mask or sunglasses. The important thing is to show you that I won’t be disappointed, right?”

“Right. So, let’s meet. But isn’t your house far away? We still have three years left; there’s no need to meet so soon.”

“It’s okay. I live nearby, too.”

“Oh, really? What a coincidence.”

“Right? The world is small, isn’t it? Now go to sleep.”

“Okay. Night, Rabbit.”

Yoonwoo, skipping his usual medication, closed his eyes and reflected.

Rabbit is a truly remarkable person.

She had always embraced his voice without hesitation.

What if, in person, Rabbit isn’t a disappointment either?

While Yoonwoo didn’t harbor romantic feelings for Rabbit, he understood that his affection didn’t hinge on physical intimacy. As Rabbit had pointed out before, living was difficult and lonely, but having someone to stand by him when he stumbled embodied the essence of love.

But, the love of the living has an expiration date.

He wondered if Romeo and Juliet might’ve considered divorce had they lived.

Rabbit kept saying Hyerim might have feelings for him. But Yoonwoo knew other possibilities wouldn’t matter if Rabbit treated him the same after the meeting.

Yet, what if Hyerim did like him, as Rabbit suggested?

For Yoonwoo, love was survival. He was a castaway, desperate enough to even drink brackish seawater. Hyerim, though, had choices.

Even if she chose him on a whim, she’d pick apart his various traits one by one and eventually get tired of him. He would then suffer in the long term, like a person dying of dehydration from drinking seawater, eventually begging for the scraps of love left by the other person.

Yoonwoo knew he didn’t want that kind of end. If he were destined to perish, he’d prefer to take a clean leap into the sea rather than endure suffering and succumb to drinking the briny water. If he could withstand the relentless thirst gnawing at his heart, perhaps he’d find a swifter, more peaceful end.

As his thoughts deepened, a pang of sorrow hit him. He then decided to take a sleeping pill.

Soon after, he fell into a deep sleep and dreamt he was hanging happily from a tree branch laden with apples, a contented smile on his face.