Delusional Love

What floor is Yoonwoo’s class again? Ah, right, the third floor. Same as mine.

Silence enveloped them on the way to the Liberal Arts building. Yoonwoo’s mind drifted to Rabbit, clinging to her cheerful voice and the songs she sang.

Yoonwoo knew someone like Jieun wouldn’t stay silent without a reason, especially because she seemed to enjoy chatting. Her current silence was definitely because of him, especially after he had caught her when she nearly fell down the stairs.

In such situations, Yoonwoo had learned to make himself invisible. Speaking unnecessarily or catching someone’s eye could provoke anger or insults. People’s silences often masked complex thoughts—like his father’s stock market woes or his mother’s affair with a young professor. Yoonwoo’s unintentional intrusion had only worsened their mood, especially if his presence was the cause of their silence. He had learned that it was wiser to remain silent.

Thus, Yoonwoo refrained from saying anything to Jieun as they made their way to the Liberal Arts building. As they walked, Yoonwoo deliberately stayed half a step behind Jieun, out of her direct line of sight.

“Alright then,” Yoonwoo murmured as they reached the elevator. “Take care.”

“Huh?” Jieun turned. “Yoonwoo, where are you going? Aren’t you on the third floor too? The elevator’s coming down...”

“I’m taking the stairs.”

“Why bother? Let’s ride up together.”

“No reason. I just prefer walking.”

Yoonwoo wasn’t naive. Jieun’s discomfort was obvious, and she likely dreaded sharing the elevator.

Besides, he avoided them when possible. Confined spaces made him feel trapped, anxiety pressing on his lungs, heartbeat thundering in his skull. Even his room sometimes felt suffocating, the ceiling bearing down like a fly swatter on a cockroach.

Only Rabbit could help him with such feelings.

“Are you really abandoning me after I almost tumbled down the stairs?” Jieun’s playful tone returned as she finally met his gaze. “I feel so lonely. So forsaken.”

Yoonwoo thought he understood why she was doing this. It was a kind of ritual, an offer to act as if Jieun’s discomfort towards Yoonwoo until a moment ago hadn’t existed. They were silently agreeing to maintain their previous relationship, at least superficially. With Jieun being so accommodating, Yoonwoo knew he couldn’t afford to be stubborn.

“Okay, let’s go together then. What class do you have?”

“Understanding Literature. The professor is crazy about attendance, so I have to attend. There are only twenty students, so the professor knows all our faces and keeps engaging us. I can’t stand it.”

“Why did you register for that class? It must have been in the course reviews.”

“They said the professor gives out easy grades. But it’s seriously no fun at all. It’s so boring.”

In the elevator, several of Yoonwoo’s classmates were going to the same class, Speech and Expression, but he pretended not to see them. They weren’t close enough to acknowledge each other.

It was lucky that Jieun was unfamiliar with them. Knowing her personality, she would have greeted them right away. If they began chatting animatedly, it would be another sign that Yoonwoo wasn’t the type of person they wanted to converse with.

“Yoonwoo, thanks for helping me earlier. Really. Have fun in class! See you later.”

“Yeah, take care, Noona.”

Yoonwoo immediately entered the classroom after saying goodbye to Jieun. As soon as he did, his mood plummeted. Freshman classes were his personal hell. While large lectures offered the comfort of anonymity, this mandatory course trapped forty familiar faces in close quarters—all chummy except for him. The cheerful atmosphere was too much for him.

The next class, Practical English, was also a mandatory freshman course. That was why Tuesdays and Thursdays were particularly depressing days for Yoonwoo.

During the required liberal arts class, despite his efforts to tune it out, Yoonwoo couldn’t help but overhear chatter about membership training, “MT” for short, and festivals. Listening to such things made him resentful and envious of the other college students.

Yoonwoo had always been an outcast, since elementary school. Still, the overt insults he faced in middle and high school felt more bearable than this group’s pitying stares. They approached with kindness and care, looking at him as if to say, “Why can’t you just fit in with us?”

He occasionally received messages inviting him to join them for drinks or MT, but Yoonwoo knew they were just being polite. Accepting would only lead to more awkwardness. Moreover, when Yoonwoo entered the classroom, several groups stopped talking and glanced at him, intensifying his isolation. Were they discussing something they didn’t want him to hear? Or did they simply resent an outsider intruding into their harmonious space? At least these dynamics were usually limited to first-year classes.

“I saw Yoonwoo coming with a girl earlier.”

“Was she pretty?”

“She was petite and cute.”

“Oh, so I guess he’s not queer, then.”

“Maybe we’re not in his league, so he’s been hanging out with others outside our class. Ridiculous.”

“Well, if that’s the case, then he’s really annoying.”

“Well, we might be overanalyzing things. Who knows? Let’s ask what he’s doing this Friday and invite him to the class meeting. Who wants to ask?”

“You ask him.”

“Let’s not ask him. He ignored us from the start, so why would we want to show that we care? He clearly shows he doesn’t want to hang out with us.”

“I mean, there could be another reason.”

“I wish he would present today. I want to hear his voice.”

“Why don’t you ask him if he could attend the meeting since you want to hear his voice so badly.”

“Uh, what?”

“What was his excuse last time?”

“He said he couldn’t afford the participation fee.”

“Should we just make it free this time?”

“We can’t just do that for him.”

“Why not? I’ll pay for him.”

“No, that would look weird if it’s free…”

Yoonwoo glanced at three girls in the corner of the classroom, whispering in low voices even though the professor hadn’t arrived yet.

He couldn’t hear what they were talking about.

Yoonwoo sighed. The girls who used to call him trash in high school behaved that way, too.

It had been a day full of painful experiences. Jieun, who showed her discomfort after he caught her from falling. Classmates most likely whispering about him in voices too low for him to hear.

It’s too premature to make assumptions. After all, not all private discussions involve gossip or negativity.

He tried to reassure himself that perhaps they were discussing something personal or even daring within the confines of the classroom. While considering this, he heard his name mentioned among the whispering girls.

There could only be one explanation, then.

What have I done wrong?

In this classroom, Yoonwoo felt even more alone than when he was by himself. He felt so dizzy with the sensation that the ceiling was about to collapse that he buried his face in the desk and took deep breaths until the professor arrived.

***

“Oh Yoonwoo! We meet again!” Jieun said cheerfully as Yoonwoo left the Speech and Expression classroom. “I just had class in the room in front. Do you have another class now?”

“Yeah, Practical English. What about you, Noona?”

“I have one more, but it’s not in the Liberal Arts building.”

“Oh, okay. Are you going to Hyerim’s house for dinner later?”

“I’m on the fence... Not feeling vegetables. What do you think, Yoonwoo?”

“I’d like it if you came.”

Yoonwoo felt Jieun should be the one hanging out with Hyerim. If someone had to be left out, it should be him. And if only he were there, Hyerim would be bored. That would probably make her tire of the relationship sooner than he expected.

“Uh, really?” Jieun asked, surprised. “You want me to come?”

“Yeah.”

“Okay, then I’ll go.”

Suddenly, a girl approached them.

“Jieun? It is Jieun, right?”

“Uh? Oh, Se-byeol? Long time no see.”

“Yeah, that’s right.”

“You’re in the same class as Yoonwoo?”

“Yeah, senior, please convince him!” Se-byeol said playfully to Jieun. “He never comes to our class meetings. And there’s a drinking party tomorrow.”

Yoonwoo wondered if that was why he had heard his name come up in the whispering earlier.

It’s too much. Today has just been full of unpleasant events.

Some people suddenly developed a sense of ethics after high school. Those who casually insulted others might suddenly act morally superior in college, imposing high standards on everyone. Likely to improve their social standing.

For instance, those who might have said, “Don’t invite that jerk because I don’t like him,” in high school might now portray themselves as, “Even though he won’t attend, I am the compassionate person who tries to include such marginalized individuals,” boosting their image.

Someone like Yoonwoo was a prime target for such behavior, especially from individuals like Se-byeol, among the worst offenders. She’d greet him with a “Hi Yoonwoo!” every time their eyes met and zealously invite him to gatherings no one expected him to attend.

She reminded Yoonwoo of Hyerim Jo from fourth grade. What if he had accepted her invitation? What if he had been overly friendly? He had tested those waters in fourth grade—class president Hyerim Jo had ended up in tears.

All Yoonwoo could do was endure the humiliation, awkwardly wave back, and politely decline invitations.

By doing so, the girl could pretend to be disappointed, act upset, and then boast to her friends about her goodness.

But this time, instead of speaking to Yoonwoo directly, she had asked Jieun to persuade him. Even though Yoonwoo had already told Jieun he didn’t fit in with his classmates, having another girl relay this was embarrassing.

Maybe it was a message saying, “Stay away from this antisocial person, Jieun.”

Conversations among popular girls are full of traps and hidden intentions. However, Jieun’s response to Se-byeol was unexpected.

“Yoonwoo is waiting to eat every meal with a gorgeous girl, so no matter what anyone says, he won’t go.”

“What? Uh... Are you talking about you? You and Yoonwoo...”

“No, not me. Would I call myself gorgeous? A little kid like me? He’s dating a goddess from Kyung University.”

“Wow... Really?” Se-byeol turned to him. “Is that right, Yoonwoo?”

It seemed pointless to contradict Jieun, even if it wasn’t entirely true. Besides, Hyerim’s name or “goddess of XX University” was just an inside joke in their department; others wouldn’t know her. And denying it would only make Jieun uncomfortable.

He wondered why Jieun had lied. Was she grateful for the help on the stairs? Was she trying to protect Yoonwoo from Se-byeol mining his self-esteem to prop up her own image?

“Anyway... I don’t think I can make the drinking session.” Yonwoo muttered.

“Okay, that’s too bad.”

Se-byeol left quietly, visibly deflated. She hadn’t achieved her goal of feeling good about her supposed kindness to Yoonwoo.

“Thanks, Noona.”

“For what? I just told the truth.”

“What truth... I know they don’t want me there, but they always ask. It’s hard to keep declining.”

“Yoonwoo... Do you really think that?”

“Huh?”

“You’re something else. Anyway, we’ll be late. Go in. See you later!”

“Yeah, see you at dinner, Noona.”

He rubbed his face tiredly. Just a little longer to endure.

Soon, he could return to his room and talk to Rabbit. With that thought, Yoonwoo tried to push away the day’s unpleasant events.