Delusional Love

“Exercising is better than being at home alone. How about working out three times a week? It’ll boost your appetite, make you feel stronger, and lift your mood.”

The psychiatrist made a good suggestion, but Yoonwoo wasn’t particularly interested in feeling better. The initial reason he had sought out help was because his concentration had plummeted since starting university. He had trouble focusing and keeping up with classes. After filling out a lengthy 500-line questionnaire, the psychiatrist diagnosed him with severe depression.

Yoonwoo wasn’t sure how to react. Depression? Life itself is depressing. If every sad thought was labeled as depression, then wouldn’t everyone be diagnosed? He believed only a lucky few avoided it. He had lived his whole life in a depressive state, and his mood, whether good or bad, had never seemed important to him.

What mattered most now was regaining his concentration. He had already disappointed his parents with his entrance exam results; he couldn’t afford to fail his courses too.

“Couldn’t even get into a proper university, and now you can’t even keep up in class? Clearly, you’re incompetent,” he could already hear them say.

“All I want is to keep up with my classes. I don’t care if I feel better or not.”

The psychiatrist sighed at Yoonwoo’s statement. He explained that improving his depression could also help his concentration and that regular exercise, especially fun sports activities, could make a big difference. With that advice, Yoonwoo had no reason not to follow it. He was naturally passive, rarely going against what others suggested unless he had a strong reason not to.

So, he turned to the campus gym. His parents provided just enough for the bare necessities, including his rent, while his scholarships covered tuition. Originally, Yoonwoo had planned to work part-time to support himself, but his parents insisted he spend that time studying or building other qualifications instead.

Even though his parents weren’t particularly fond of him, they never hesitated to invest in his education. It was surprising, really, considering it’s hard to spend money on someone you don’t care about. To end his life without at least repaying this debt would feel like a betrayal of their kindness. Therefore, before contemplating suicide, Yoonwoo needed to prove himself academically and make sure his decision wasn’t seen as a response to parental pressure.

In the meantime, he couldn’t justify spending much time or money on sports or leisure activities. The campus gym, though small, was well-equipped and offered a great deal. For just 45,000 won a month, students could access the facility without limits on daily entries. Yoonwoo made it a routine to hit the gym every morning and, if possible, again in the evening.

Participating in video drinking sessions with Rabbit while nursing a can of beer was becoming increasingly difficult for Yoonwoo, both in terms of time and money. The 45,000 won monthly gym fee was no small expense, and drinking even a little at night made it tough to work out the next morning. Although Rabbit reassured him that he didn’t need to join just for her sake, Yoonwoo still wanted to be there for her on Saturdays. So, he would buy a cheap can of beer for their calls.

Exercise became a mental escape for Yoonwoo, allowing him to focus better on his studies. Throughout the semester, he mainly stuck to burpees, push-ups, and pull-ups. While he knew the benefits of weight training, Yoonwoo wasn’t interested in sculpting his body or following the complex routines in YouTube videos. His priority was efficiency—making the most of the time he dedicated to exercise during the school term.

Not to mention, the campus gym had limited weightlifting equipment, which meant long wait times. Burpees were perfect for Yoonwoo because they were simple, efficient, and physically demanding, aligning well with his preferences. Surprisingly, despite never having exercised much before, Yoonwoo was pretty good at pull-ups. This was mostly because he often skipped meals, resulting in a lower body weight that made pull-ups easier.

By the end of the semester, Yoonwoo managed to earn good grades without much trouble, and as a bonus, his physique had noticeably improved. However, the increased physical activity often left him hungrier, so he stopped eating at the student cafeteria. Instead, he started buying cost-effective protein-rich foods in bulk, like ham and canned tuna, and pairing them with a cheap salad. This turned out to be less than eating at the cafeteria.

When Yoonwoo first enrolled, there had been talk of the cafeteria turning into a buffet-style setup, but it ended up being more like a high school cafeteria where you served yourself, with a mandatory entry fee of 5,000 won. For someone like Yoonwoo, who ate small portions, this wasn’t an ideal option.

“See? Exercising has changed your life quite a bit, hasn’t it? How do you feel?”

The psychiatrist always asked pointless questions. Yoonwoo wasn’t interested in talking about his feelings—his issues were already resolved. Was there really a need for therapy anymore? Sure, the medication had helped shorten his days and had been useful in its own way, but now he was starting to feel like the cost of the meds and the appointments was becoming a waste.

The psychiatrist had warned him that it wasn’t safe to stop taking the medication suddenly and that it needed to be tapered off. But Yoonwoo noticed the dosage hadn’t decreased much, and he found the frequent, irrelevant conversations during the appointments increasingly annoying.

“It’s not good to be alone all the time. How about joining a club? Try making some friends.”

Normally, Yoonwoo would follow advice unless he had a strong reason not to; which, this time, he did. With the limited funds and time his parents gave him, joining a club and spending on socializing—like drinking—didn’t seem like the wisest use of resources.

Plus, Yoonwoo felt that no one had ever really liked him, so how could he suddenly make friends now, especially when he planned to end his life in three years? He had even told his parents that he intended to join the military as an officer after graduating, planning to speed up his graduation and die soon after. Of course, he couldn’t share these thoughts with his psychiatrist; bringing that up might lead to immediate hospitalization.

“Okay, I’ll try.”

Saying he would “try” was his way of gently declining without committing. It was a phrase he used often, in many contexts.

During the summer break after the first semester, the campus gym was blissfully quiet, with most students gone. The weight training section, which was usually too packed for Yoonwoo, now had only one or two people at a time. As his days felt longer and heavier, Yoonwoo considered picking up weight training, following some YouTube tutorials. Going back to his parents’ home felt suffocating, and the outdated AC in his Anam studio apartment was both inefficient and expensive to run, so he rarely turned it on.

Spending his days in a cramped, overheated room became unbearable, so Yoonwoo often sought refuge in the university reading room. However, he struggled to pick what to study, as he had no plans beyond graduation. Sitting at an empty desk, thoughts of death frequently crossed his mind. Wherever he was, staying still only seemed to intensify his self-loathing and bring back unpleasant memories.

As a result, Yoonwoo found himself gravitating toward the campus gym more and more. During the semester, he would rush through his workouts to get back to studying, but now, he aimed to spend as much time as possible in the gym, taking his time with each exercise. His objective was to exhaust himself to the point that, when he returned to his studio apartment, he could collapse without even feeling the summer heat, slipping straight into unconsciousness.

The psychiatrist had said that exercising would improve his mood, but that was only partly true. While physical activity allowed Yoonwoo a temporary escape from the vague anxiety and self-loathing that plagued him, it was just a brief respite while he was working out. It didn’t change how he felt in his everyday life.

Even the moment of stepping into the shower after finishing his workout filled Yoonwoo with dread. He wondered how pitiful his slight body must look to the well-built, handsome guys around him. In high school, Yoonwoo’s nickname had been “Scarecrow” because of his tall, lanky frame that lacked muscle.

These guys, with their abs and groups of exercise buddies, had also excelled academically to get into this prestigious university. In contrast, Yoonwoo, who found it difficult to speak in front of others despite his diligent studying, had only managed to get into Gogo University. The feelings of self-loathing never left him, except when he was pushing himself in the gym or asleep. As a result, when the gym was crowded, he would finish his workout quickly and leave, choosing to shower at home instead.

Fortunately, during the summer break, the gym was so deserted that Yoonwoo didn’t need to rush out immediately. He could take his time, leisurely watching YouTube videos and practicing his form for weightlifting exercises like deadlifts and back squats. However, whenever a particularly intimidating person came in, Yoonwoo would hurriedly gather his things and leave as if fleeing the scene.

Even without seeing the individual, he could sense their arrival through the shift in the atmosphere. Guys who had been chatting and exercising would suddenly fall silent, and the pace on the treadmills would pick up. Those who had been lifting weights would suddenly increase their loads, pushing themselves harder. These blatant changes seemed almost comical, but it was clear no one could remain unaffected by this person’s presence.

The individual causing such a stir was a striking female student in snug yoga pants and a sports tank top. Despite the common belief that athletic wear tends to downplay one’s appearance, her notably curvaceous figure was impossible to ignore. It was obvious from her well-defined glutes and lean, toned legs that she worked out a lot. The subtle sway of flesh on her hips and thighs, perhaps the one reason she frequented the gym, only added to her allure. In contrast to her sensual physique, her petite, round face exuded a gentle and approachable aura, like the girl who would play the “first love” in a romance flick.

Unlike other girls who might briefly use the treadmill and leave, she was serious about weight training. With her long hair tied back, exposing her neck, and soaked in sweat, she didn’t just catch the eyes of the college guys. Along with her looks, her effortless ability to lift barbells set her apart, giving her a distinctive charm.

This was precisely why Yoonwoo found her unpleasant.

Why would someone like her even attend this university? She seemed like one of the chosen ones, someone born to be adored. While some people seek validation, desperately craving even a fleeting moment of attention and affection, she appeared to command it effortlessly without ever having to try.

She selectively sifted through the attention directed at her, discarding some without a second thought. Maybe she kept only the best, tossing the rest aside.

Just seeing her made Yoonwoo feel miserable. His life was empty and loveless, and he had already given up on being loved. He was simply waiting for it to end. Yet here was someone with the same academic background, who exercised diligently, and received endless love and attention just by existing.

Recently, Yoonwoo had finally managed to perfect his deadlift form, lifting 105 kilograms. But then he saw her lifting 100 kilograms. The mere 5-kilogram difference felt insignificant, stripping Yoonwoo of any sense of pride. It was like her very existence mocked his entire life. Even the brief, instinctive attraction he felt toward her filled him with humiliation.

Determined to avoid her, Yoonwoo tried to memorize the times she frequented the gym. But frustratingly, her workout schedule was completely random. It seemed that going to the gym early in the morning, hoping she would wake up late, was his best strategy. On days when he did encounter her, his mood would plummet, and he often found himself reaching out to Rabbit late at night.

Yoonwoo was careful to avoid sharing details that could reveal his identity, so he couldn’t discuss his day. However, even without specific topics to talk about, Rabbit was always delighted when Yoonwoo initiated a voice chat. She would go on about mundane things like what delivery food she ordered, her dissatisfaction with the delivery person’s attitude, or how she was woken up by the neighbor singing. Listening to Rabbit talk about these trivial matters somehow brought Yoonwoo a sense of relief.

Reflecting on it, Yoonwoo realized that, apart from the occasional interaction with convenience store clerks, Rabbit was the only person he had talked to during the summer break. Choosing Rabbit as his companion in their shared end felt like the best decision he could have made.