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Delusional Love

21

Chapter 21

Many twenty-somethings enjoy a good drink, but some take it to the next level, constantly seeking excuses to get tipsy. It’s easy to misjudge your limits; the same person who sailed through three bottles of soju last week might find themselves floored by just two beers tonight.

That’s why nearly everyone in their twenties has at least one cringe-worthy drinking tale to tell.

Jieun, though, was no lightweight. On a good night, she could knock back over three bottles of soju and still stroll home without a wobble. She prided herself on handling any booze combo thrown her way. Beer and rice wine weren’t her top picks—they filled her up before the buzz kicked in—but she’d roll with whatever the group was having.

Despite her impressive capacity, Jieun had managed to dodge any major alcohol-induced disasters. When she felt herself teetering on the edge, she’d simply stand up, mutter a quick “Sorry, gotta head out,” and make her exit. She’d usually settle the tab to keep any grumbling at bay.

Her insistence on footing the bill was practically legendary. More often than not, her drinking buddies would wake up the next day, guilt gnawing at them, and fire off some cash her way. Sure, drunk-spending was part of her checkered past with booze, but her generosity had a way of endearing her to others.

All these nights out had taught Jieun the dos and don’ts of drinking. She knew better than to hit the bottle on an empty stomach or after pushing herself at the gym. This caution had kept her free from any booze-fueled embarrassments.

But as she sat across from Yoonwoo in the lamb skewer joint, a realization hit her like a ton of bricks. The sizzling meat in front of her was the first thing she’d had to eat all day. She’d been so caught up in her shopping spree that breakfast and lunch had completely slipped her mind. Too amped up to care, she’d knocked back several shots of soju, her empty stomach be damned. The alcohol was hitting her hard and fast.

In her tipsy haze, Jieun had completely forgotten that Yoonwoo was a total lightweight, barely able to handle a single bottle of soju.

Meanwhile, Yoonwoo had been in a funk since his voice chat with Rabbit the previous day. His usual routine involved taking his meds three times daily—morning, evening, and just before hitting the sack. But his psychiatrist had advised skipping doses on drinking days. The thought of going without his meds when he was already feeling low sent his anxiety through the roof. He’d ended up overdoing it at the gym that morning, and now he was running on empty, both physically and emotionally.

“So, Yoonwoo, what do you think? Now you see why lamb skewers are the perfect drinking buddy, right? That hint of grease just begs for a soju chaser!” Jieun grinned, her eyes sparkling.

“You’re right, it’s delicious,” Yoonwoo nodded, savoring the taste. “The soju’s hitting the spot too.”

Jieun laughed happily. “Just wait until they serve the free dumplings. They’re to die for.”

She felt a surge of pride at nailing the menu choice, watching Yoonwoo’s face light up as he experienced lamb skewers for the first time. Every time they clinked glasses, she felt giddy with happiness.

It’s funny, she mused, how impossible it is to truly step into someone else’s shoes. Emotions aren’t something you can bottle up and analyze or collect like data points. That’s what makes love and relationships such a tangled mess.

Jieun thought about her friend who seemed to have a revolving door of boyfriends, yet ended up a sobbing mess over drinks after each breakup. Then there was another who shrugged off the end of a years-long relationship like it was nothing. She often wondered which love was more real.

But Jieun had learned to accept these wildly different forms of love, knowing she’d never fully grasp them. She saw no need to unravel their complexities.

Since losing her mother, Jieun had kept her emotions on a tight leash. Other people’s love lives? That was their business, not hers.

Ten people meant ten unique relationship dynamics.

No matter how many hearts you’ve touched or broken, you’re still trapped in your own perspective. Jieun firmly believed it was wrong to measure others’ relationships against your own yardstick.

But emotions are slippery things. That friend drowning her sorrows in booze? She might actually be relieved. And the one acting like nothing happened? They could be falling apart inside. You can’t always gauge how much something matters to someone from the outside—hell, sometimes they don’t even know themselves.

Even the most intense, genuine feelings can be fleeting. For a brief, shining moment, her father might have truly loved her mother.

And now her father was gone too.

Jieun had often thought about these things alone at home, where memories of happier times lingered. But she’d come to realize it was pointless. After all, you can’t unravel the mysteries of someone’s heart through contemplation alone.

For Jieun, love had always been someone else’s story, and drinking just a convenient excuse. “New relationship? Let’s drink!” or “Breakup blues? Time for a drink!”

The flutter in her chest when she looked at Yoonwoo caught her off guard.

Even though it was her own heart, she couldn’t tell if this was just a fleeting fancy or something deeper, something she couldn’t simply brush aside.

The possibility that Yoonwoo might not be disappointed by her appearance kept nagging at her. Yoonwoo, always so serious and lost in thought, seemed above trivial concerns like Jieun’s height or Hyerim’s good looks.

Maybe it’s these small possibilities that plant the seeds of desire.

But such possibilities could grow into an uncontrollable yearning. Maybe people just want to give themselves completely to another. When someone offers their whole self, only to have the recipient accept bits and pieces before growing bored even of those, the giver is left feeling isolated and emotionally shattered.

Is that why people seek someone who will accept and love them unconditionally?

Jieun, a newcomer to love, felt ill-equipped to handle these emotions. As much as she was drawn to Yoonwoo, guilt over Hyerim gnawed at her. So, she resolved to keep her feelings under wraps.

But Hyerim, even without Yoonwoo…

Jieun’s philosophy was simple: “When in doubt, drink.” With this mantra, she kept the toasts coming, oblivious to the fact that Yoonwoo, ever the people-pleaser, was matching her drink for drink. Before they knew it, four empty soju bottles stood sentinel on their table.

“So, what kind of girl catches your eye?” The alcohol had loosened Jieun’s tongue, emboldening her.

“Huh? Didn’t you ask me that before?” Yoonwoo’s brow furrowed in confusion.

“Wasn’t that Hyerim who asked?”

While Jieun looked fine even after two bottles, Yoonwoo’s eyes and neck were red, and his words were slurring. Usually, Jieun would have noticed and sent him home with some chocolate milk, but she was enjoying their time too much.

“Come on, Yoonwoo, what’s your type?”

“I haven’t really thought about dating. It doesn’t seem… necessary.”

“Just humor me, okay? Use your imagination.”

“Huh?”

“Pretend you’re in a relationship and tell me.”

“What’s the point?”

“Just play along, will you?”

“I guess someone who likes me?”

“Geez, there are tons of girls like that. What? I didn’t peg you for that type, Yoonwoo. Any girl will do?”

“Well, no, but no one likes me anyway.”

“There must be someone. Haven’t any girls shown interest in you before?”

“Not even one. Honestly.”

Jieun was pretty drunk herself, and her emotions were taking over. Realizing Yoonwoo had never dated and the small chance she could be his first gave her hope. The excitement threw off her usual skill at reading the room and keeping drinks fun.

Unfortunately, she didn’t notice that her questions were making Yoonwoo’s mood darken.

“That’s a little weird. So if any random girl says she likes you, you’d date her?”

“No.”

“That’s different from what you said earlier.”

“Because I can’t imagine someone I don’t know liking me. If they did, they probably don’t really know me.”

“But wouldn’t you just give it a shot? If it doesn’t work out, you can always break up.”

“If someone likes me, I’d probably like them back, so I wouldn’t break it off. I hate the idea of watching them slowly start to dislike me, and we end up breaking up.”

“How can you have that mindset? Such an overthinker,” Jieun blurted out, despite her lack of experience.

“Right. I can’t date. That’s why I’m embarrassed to talk about this. No one has liked me, so it’s pointless.”

“What if someone likes you and keeps liking you until you say no, but you reject them for such a silly reason? Wouldn’t that be unfair to them?”

“No one like that exists.”

“Come on, just pretend there is! You’re an econ student. Can’t you just accept the assumption and go from there? Otherwise, we can’t keep talking!”

“Uh…”

Yoonwoo knew all too well about accepting assumptions in economics. There’s even that famous desert island joke: If you’re stranded with canned food but no opener, what do you do? Simple. Just assume you have a can opener.

“So, what kind of person would you believe could keep liking you?” Jieun pressed.

“I don’t know. Maybe someone similar to me?”

“You mean looks-wise?”

“No, not that. I mean, similar in how we think.”

Someone like Yoonwoo, unloved and lonely, pushed away even by family, dreading each morning—maybe someone like that could overlook his flaws. Someone like Rabbit, perhaps.

“I see. But they also say similar people often clash, something about animals fighting their own kind. Or that opposites get along better.”

Well, that could be true. Even Rabbit must have felt lonely and stressed, yet she always cared for Yoonwoo. Rabbit would chat away while Yoonwoo just went along like a ghost. Maybe Yoonwoo got tired because he couldn’t give Rabbit what she needed.

“Maybe. I guess that could be true.”

Again, that would mean that no one would like him. Talking about relationships was just too hard for him. Now it was probably his turn to ask, “What kind of guy do you like, Noona?”

Jieun was probably waiting for the question, but Yoonwoo didn’t want to talk about it anymore. Would Rabbit even answer if he called now after showing such an ugly side yesterday? What if she had decided to ignore him from today?

Meanwhile, Jieun’s mind raced. What did she and Yoonwoo really have in common? Sure, they were both econ students, but so were a thousand others. Their thoughts? Backgrounds? She realized she didn’t know him well enough to say.

As Jieun thought this, she finally noticed that Yoonwoo had gone quiet.

“Yoonwoo? Are you crying?”

“Hmm? No, I’m not.”

“You are. Wait a second.”

Jieun pulled out a handkerchief from her bag—a habit from her cinema days. But as she reached out to wipe Yoonwoo’s eyes, he flinched, accidentally knocking over his soju glass, spilling it on his pants.

“Whoa! Why did you jump like that?” Jieun exclaimed. “Spilling things means you’re drunk.”

“Sorry.”

“Sorry for what? But why are you crying? Did I say something?”

“No.”

Jieun wiped Yoonwoo’s eyes, then dabbed at the soju on his thighs. She realized her mistake when she saw the empty soju bottles.

“Oh no, you can’t even drink one bottle, can you? But we’ve been drinking at the same pace. This is bad. Are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m okay.”

“You don’t seem okay. Let’s go.”

As Jieun stood up, Yoonwoo followed. Luckily, he wasn’t too drunk to walk, but he staggered.

“Whoa, you’ll fall! Hold onto my shoulder. Let’s go.”

“Thanks. Sorry, I can’t handle my alcohol…”

“No, I should’ve been more careful. I got carried away.”

All the way to Yoonwoo’s apartment near Jwa Shin Hyang Hospital, he leaned heavily on Jieun, struggling to walk.

Guilt gnawed at Jieun for pushing Yoonwoo to drink so much, yet she couldn’t ignore a strange satisfaction from his dependence on her. A part of her wished Yoonwoo would keep relying on her like this. Jieun felt certain she could accept and understand whatever serious issues he faced, no matter how daunting they might be.

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