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As the Contemporary Management class ended, Yoonwoo bolted from the lecture hall. He spent the next few hours face-down on his cramped dorm bed, Hyerim’s words echoing in his mind.
“Your voice is really pretty.”
What had her expression been when she said that? Was the smile on her lips mocking, or pitying? No matter how many times he replayed the moment, his heart ached. He wished he could just vanish into thin air.
“You sound really down today, Tofu,” Rabbit’s voice crackled through his phone speaker. Once again, Yoonwoo found himself in the middle of a voice chat with her.
“How can you tell?” he mumbled.
“Well, you’re barely talking, and I can hear you sighing every few seconds.”
“Yeah, I’m just… not feeling great lately.”
“Want me to sing for you? Bunny bunny, where are you going?”
Without waiting for a response, Rabbit launched into a nursery rhyme. Her high-pitched, oddly cheerful voice was both adorable and absurd. Despite her quirks, Rabbit’s tendency to avoid prying made her decent company.
“Have you been drinking?” Yoonwoo asked.
“What? I haven’t touched a drop! I sang to cheer you up, and this is the thanks I get? Harsh!”
“No, I didn’t mean… Thanks for singing. It’s just… Rabbit?”
“Yeah?”
“We’ve gotten along without digging too deep into each other’s lives. I’m not sure if it’s okay to ask this out of the blue, but…”
“Go ahead. I never said you couldn’t ask me stuff.”
“Right. I probably should’ve asked this ages ago. Why do you want to die, Rabbit?”
“Huh?”
“Talking to you, I can tell you’re thoughtful and caring. You notice right away if I’m even a little down and try to cheer me up. You even bust out funny songs to lighten the mood. You seem like the type who’d be popular. So… why do you want to die?”
“Funny songs? Ouch. And I don’t really want to die, you know?”
“What? Then why are you doing this with me?”
“I didn’t say I wanted to die. I said I was looking for someone to die with!”
“Why would you look for someone to die with if you don’t want to die? Can you explain that?”
Rabbit’s voice took on a softer tone. “Basically, I wouldn’t want someone who just moves on quickly to someone else after I die. If someone really loved me, wouldn’t it make sense for them to find it unbearable to live alone after I’m gone and choose to die too? That’s how I’d feel. I’d definitely follow someone I love into death. That’s why I’ve been looking for someone willing to die together.”
Yoonwoo began to suspect that Rabbit might be more irrational than he had thought.
“Uh… So, we’re not really on the same page, are we? You don’t want to die.”
“No, it’s not that. Since I’ve chosen you as my partner to die with, it doesn’t matter when. I’ll die with you whenever you’re ready!”
“You’ve chosen me? You don’t even know what I look like, how old I am, or what I do.”
“You’re a college student, right? Well, all those things are trivial in the face of death. And you were the only person I found who fits what I’m looking for.”
“I see… So, what kind of person are you looking for?’
“Not someone who’s just looking for sex, but someone who truly wants to die.”
“Ah…”
Yoonwoo felt he understood what Rabbit meant. When he had wandered through suicide-related chat rooms, some men, assuming he was a woman based on his gentle way of typing, would approach him flirtatiously. He never shared his voice, yet it was strange how they concluded he was female just from text messages. The world, he realized, was full of such primal behaviors.
“When I was in the open chat room, there were all kinds of people saying things like ‘Let’s try it once before we die’ or ‘We’re lonely, let’s hit the club together.’ You were the only one who seemed sincere.”
“But didn’t you ask me to meet up for drinks?”
“That was just a test to see if you were approaching me out of sexual interest or if you were serious about dying together.”
“But couldn’t there have been someone who wanted both? Someone who had sexual desires but also seriously thought about dying with you? It seems like you might find someone among those who say, ‘Let’s have sex just once before we die.’”
“There was no one like that.” Rabbit’s voice turned cold. “Those people, even if they say they will die with me, would just find someone else right after I’m gone. Someone else to satisfy their needs.”
Rabbit sighed deeply before continuing, “My dad… When my mom was alive, he was really romantic. He’d bring home bouquets all the time and say ‘I love you’ every morning. But when she passed away, he quickly remarried someone else. Now he has two more kids besides me. So for him, love was just about sexual desire. People like him can find love anywhere. Loving everyone means not truly loving anyone.”
Rabbit’s voice was calm yet sharp as a knife freshly honed on a whetstone, a stark contrast to her usual gentle tone. For the first time, Yoonwoo felt a chill run down his spine at her words.
“But still… the kind of thing you’re looking for… shouldn’t it be with someone you love deeply?” he asked. “Like Romeo and Juliet. Is it really okay to just pick someone like me?”
“What makes you think Romeo and Juliet were truly in love with each other?”
“Well… that’s how Shakespeare wrote it…”
“How did Shakespeare express their love? Literally, he killed them both, right?”
“Well… they did end up dead, yeah.”
Rabbit’s voice took on a more cheerful tone, but her words grew increasingly unsettling to Yoonwoo. “You can’t know if you truly love someone to death until you’re at death’s door. My dad said he loved my mom to death, but when she died, he remarried right away. He didn’t die with her. But if two people gaze into each other’s eyes and die together, that’s real love! Far more sacred than my dad’s kind of love. Anyone can talk about love. Dating, sex, gifts—none of that really matters. The only thing that truly matters is death. You can’t really say you love someone until you’re willing to die with them.”
Yoonwoo felt a knot forming in his stomach. What was she talking about? He could understand loving someone intensely enough to die together, but the idea of searching for someone to die with just because death equals love? That was beyond his comprehension.
“Even if death is the most important thing, like you say,” Yoonwoo ventured, “shouldn’t we start with romantic feelings to confirm that? Can you really say you love someone just because you agree to die together?”
“Isn’t the idea of dying together inherently romantic? The romantic feelings come after that.”
“I’ve never thought about having romantic feelings for you, Rabbit. Actually, I’ve never thought about it with anyone… because I’ve never imagined myself living with someone.”
“Have you ever imagined dying with me? That means we’ve already become the deepest connection in each other’s lives.”
“Is… is that so?”
“Yeah.”
Yoonwoo’s head spun. Usually, Rabbit’s chatter would soothe his troubled mind when he got home. But today, their conversation left him even more agitated, so much so that he could barely remember what Hyerim had said earlier.
“So, can I ask you something too now, Tofu?”
“Uh… what? Oh, yeah. Ask away.”
Yoonwoo braced himself, wondering what this question would lead to, but Rabbit’s next words caught him completely off guard.
“What’s your type?”
“My type? Well… as I just said, I’ve never really thought about dating anyone, so I don’t really know…”
“Then, you’ve never kissed anyone?”
“…Yeah.”
“Then how about I give you your first kiss when we meet? Don’t worry! It would be my first time too!”
“What? Is this still some kind of test?”
“No? Tofu, you’ve already passed all the tests.”
“Uh… still, I’d rather not. It’s okay.”
“Why? Are you scared I might be ugly? Or is there something about me you don’t like?”
“No, it’s just that I don’t want to meet you with that kind of intention. That’s not why we started talking.”
“You’re genuinely pure, Tofu. I’m so glad you started chatting with me. Hehe.”
Her laughter sent a chill down Yoonwoo’s spine. He mumbled something about taking a shower and ended the call, but the unease lingered. For a moment, he considered cutting off contact with Rabbit altogether. All he’d have to do was leave the open chat and voice chat app. Rabbit still didn’t know his phone number or real name.
But as he mulled it over, Yoonwoo found no real reason to block Rabbit. Sure, her views were somewhat burdensome, but their objectives didn’t really conflict. Despite everything, Rabbit didn’t easily show her own struggles or recklessly spill her emotions onto others. She always listened to Yoonwoo, constantly asking how he was feeling, proving herself a caring friend.
If you think about it, how many people who talk about suicide are really in a healthy state of mind? Yet among them, Rabbit seemed to be the exception, someone who was genuinely alright. How could Yoonwoo consider ending their relationship over just a moment of discomfort after all the time they had spent together?
Even though Yoonwoo had known Rabbit for more than half a year, he’d always maintained some distance from this anonymous friend. But now, the idea of dying alone, without her, felt unbearable. If Rabbit wanted to view death as a form of love, Yoonwoo thought, maybe he could accept that too. It might even give more credibility to the suicide note he intended to leave for his parents.
His real issue, he realized, wasn’t with Rabbit, who was genuinely kind; it was about finding a way to limit his interactions with Hyerim.
Two days after his unsettling conversation with Rabbit, Yoonwoo found himself in his Principles of Economics class. He deliberately chose a seat far from Hyerim, but his effort was in vain.
“Why are you sitting so far away? That hurts, you know,” Hyerim said, swiftly gathering her things and sliding into the seat next to him. Her actions made her feelings clear—it was definitely Hyerim, not Rabbit, who posed the greater challenge.
When Hyerim had remarked that Yoonwoo’s voice was pretty, he couldn’t tell if she was being condescending or pitying him—just like the fourth-grade Hyerim Jo, who had shown patronizing kindness to the lonely Yoonwoo. This was precisely why he wanted to keep his distance.
“Ah… I just rushed in and sat down without looking,” Yoonwoo said.
“Do you live far?”
“No, I live nearby. I went back to sleep after working out this morning.”
“Where do you work out? What do you do?”
“Just some light workouts at the school gym.”
“At the gym here? The one in Hana Sports Center?”
“Yes, that’s the one.”
“Wow, I go there too!”
I know. Please, just stop talking…
Yoonwoo wanted to end the conversation politely, but it kept going. Is this the power of a social butterfly? What’s taking the Bolivian professor so long to start class? Yoonwoo was getting increasingly frustrated.
“Hey, I’ll come early from now on to save our seats,” Hyerim said. “Let’s sit together and cooperate. We’re teammates for the semester, after all.”
Before Yoonwoo could formulate a polite decline, the professor arrived. As the lecture began, he found himself wondering why Hyerim was so insistent on involving herself with him. Maybe it wasn’t about mockery or pity—perhaps she simply didn’t have any specific intentions. He knew he sometimes overanalyzed people’s motives.
Insiders, he mused, typically maintain relationships with ease, handing out compliments without overthinking and discussing topics they have little interest in, just to keep things friendly. They employ various conversational techniques as naturally as breathing, even if the other person isn’t reciprocating. How much more would this be true for Hyerim, the quintessential social butterfly?
Maybe she was just using her interpersonal skills out of habit to maintain a not-so-bad relationship with Yoonwoo, a convenient outcast who might carry the group project. Whether out of kindness or malice, it assumes some level of interest in the other person. It’s unlikely someone like Hyerim would be genuinely interested in Yoonwoo. She’d probably keep up the conversation even if her classmate was a chimpanzee, commenting, “Panzi, your fur looks splendid today. What are you having for lunch?” as she continues the chat.
Thinking like this, he felt embarrassed for paying too much attention to Hyerim. If he was just a gnat, he should live like a gnat. Yoonwoo decided that while the physical distance between them might have narrowed, he would widen the emotional distance instead.
“Yoonwoo, what are you doing for lunch?” Hyerim asked after class ended.
He wished she would just stop asking.
“I eat at my place,” he replied, wanting to add that he had no money and no friends.
“Then, would you like to have lunch with me today? My friend canceled our lunch plans. I’m not asking particularly because of that, and it doesn’t even have to be today…”
It was troublesome. Everything was troublesome. The biggest problem was the lack of money. Yoonwoo had already calculated his food budget for tuna cans, pork, and salad, and put the rest of his money into a voluntary savings account. His goal was to ensure that the expenses that would arise after his suicide could be covered by his savings.
If he spent more than 4,000 won per meal, he would have to skip another meal. He had already put all the remaining money into savings and had no cash left. What was Hyerim’s favorite menu? How many meals would he have to skip if he dined with someone who spends 5,800 won on dessert?
Secondly, what kind of menu would he even choose with Hyerim? Yoonwoo had lived here for over six months without eating out, so he hardly knew where to go or what was on offer. What if she asked, “Yoonwoo, do you have a favorite spot?” She’d probably ask, no doubt. Although it was clear to everyone that Yoonwoo was a loner, he didn’t want to admit out loud that he hadn’t explored the area at all.
Thirdly, what on earth would he talk about while eating with her? Yoonwoo didn’t watch dramas, movies, participate in class activities, or join clubs. Not just with Hyerim, but anyone brought along would find no common topics with him. Maybe it would be okay if she was the chatty type who gets excited just receiving responses.
And just being with Hyerim was scary. What if she thought his eating was messy? What if she thought, ‘I shouldn’t have asked him to eat together. He eats so messily. It’s off-putting.’ Or if she thought, ‘This is so awkward and boring. I should have just eaten alone while watching something on my phone.’
It was best not to mix with beautiful people, Yoonwoo concluded. Facing the fact that beautiful people despise him would be especially heartbreaking and sad.
Yoonwoo swallowed hard, feeling cornered. “I’m sorry. I don’t have enough for living expenses. It’s difficult for me to eat out,” he finally replied.
He didn’t feel great about admitting he was broke, but he couldn’t think of an excuse. However, Hyerim wasn’t so easily deterred.
“How about we grab some budget-friendly street food?” she suggested brightly. “It’s got great value! Do you like tteokbokki? We could both eat our fill for just 4,000 won each. What do you think?”
Oh please… Why is she doing this to me?
Was Hyerim aware of his discomfort and enjoying it? The budget-friendly street food place she mentioned was indeed famous for its value, as she said. Yoonwoo knew as much. But it was a place swarming with students during lunchtime.
And the idea that someone like Hyerim would suggest eating tteokbokki to stay within his budget… To sit across from her with sauce smeared around his mouth… The mental image alone made him cringe.
But what excuse could he use to decline her offer? Saying “I don’t like tteokbokki. I want to go home” wasn’t an option. If someone like Hyerim, who’s the center of attention, offered something to Yoonwoo and he turned it down, and then she made the offer again while considering his budget, he’d need a solid reason to refuse a second time.
If he carelessly refused without a valid reason, Yoonwoo was certain he’d be criticized somewhere. This was a fact he had learned from bitter experience.
“Okay then… let’s do that,” Yoonwoo finally conceded.
As they left the classroom, the prospect of having lunch with Hyerim loomed before him, a miserable and dismal image forming in his mind.

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