Delusional Love

“We need to learn to love ourselves. After all, how can we expect others to if we don’t feel that way about ourselves? Self-respect and self-love is the first step.”

Fourth-grade Hyerim Jo thought her teacher was a fool for saying that. How could she preach self-love to those idiots already bursting with it?

The boys boasted incessantly - Taekwondo belts, video game prowess, growth spurts, and impressive parents. Hyerim wondered why they shared things she never asked about. She doesn’t have an ounce of interest in those.

The girls were subtler but no better. They gossiped about hair, skin, crushes, judging each other while thinly veiling put-downs as compliments. Did they think it would go unnoticed if they minced their words nicely?

These topics surfaced mainly around Hyerim. To her, her classmates resembled squabbling chimpanzees, all noise and posturing. Of course, real chimps behaved better. However, Hyerim hadn’t fully grasped that such behaviors were closely linked to mating competition. Among those she considered chimpanzees, only she and Yoonwoo seemed truly human.

Yoonwoo was different. He never boasted or spoke ill of others. Despite being top of the class, he remained humble. His voice, soft and kind, captivated Hyerim.

The class mocked his "girly" voice, clearly jealous. Girls initially flocked to him but turned bitter when he didn’t give them enough attention. They spread rumors, calling him pretentious. Hyerim wondered if they sought to destroy what they couldn't possess.

Yoonwoo was a handsome child with pale, smooth skin and a slim and delicate physique. Why did they mock his voice? None of them had a voice as pretty as his. Plus, he was truly kind. On a field trip to the amusement park Weverland, Yoonwoo sat next to Hyerim on the Viking ride. Hyerim closed her eyes from fear and ended up so nauseous that she vomited. More embarrassingly, the vomit splattered on both of their clothes.

While she was fretfully crying, worried about being teased by the other kids, he collected the vomit from her clothes with his bare hands, disposed of it in the bathroom, and then returned with wet tissues to clean her clothes and arms.

“Are you still dizzy?” He asked in his soft voice.

His clothes were stained with her mess, but he didn’t complain at all. Instead, he cleaned her before himself. He seemed concerned only for her well-being instead of his own dirty clothes.

Yoonwoo was angelic.

She tried talking to him in class, but the chimps always interrupted. She should have ignored them, and forced a closer connection.

One day, their foolish teacher pulled Hyerim aside for a chat.

"Hyerim, I've noticed Yoonwoo isn't getting along with the others. As class president, could you include him more?"

The request baffled Hyerim. Why should an angel like Yoonwoo mingle with chimps?

Besides, her attention was already entirely focused on him, so the teacher’s request was redundant. The other kids were just obstacles, noisy chimps disrupting her attempts to talk to him. Hyerim was the only person in the class who would initiate conversations with Yoonwoo, and he was the only one she paid attention to. The other kids noticed this, and their jealousy towards him grew.

Young Hyerim didn't realize she was the catalyst for Yoonwoo's intensified bullying. It pained her to see his demeanor darken and more muted daily.

To her, Yoonwoo alone deserved love. He never stooped to the chimps' level, despite their constant pestering. He should smile more, and live confidently. If he couldn't see his worth, she'd show him.

Perhaps it was the limit of an eleven-year-old’s vocabulary, but she inadvertently quoted the words of her foolish teacher.

“Yoonwoo, you heard what the teacher said. You need to love yourself!”

Yoonwoo usually responded briefly to others with an expressionless face before quickly turning away. But his face contorted in anger at her words, and his gentle manner disappeared. He glared at her with red and teary eyes. She had longed to see a different expression on his face, but she hadn’t expected to see anger.

From his lips came the angry words, “Really? I already like myself a lot. Since I love myself, can you love me too, Hyerim? Should we start dating?”

Hyerim wasn’t stupid. She could tell that his words, filled with anger, were meant to mock her.

Her heart shattered. The same Yoonwoo who never got angry, no matter how much the foolish chimps teased him, was now infuriated—because of her. She had spent many nights imagining him expressing his love for her, but now, those imagined words had turned into sharp thorns piercing her heart.

Overwhelmed, she couldn't speak through her tears. The chimps swarmed, tormenting Yoonwoo. She should defend him, but words failed her. It felt futile anyway.

She feared becoming Yoonwoo's most hated person. That very fear materialized as he began avoiding her gaze and conversation attempts. Loneliness engulfed her. Her beloved Yoonwoo grew distant, while the despicable chimps pursued her relentlessly.

Each day became nauseating.

In hindsight, she wished she'd met his anger head-on: "I understand. I like you too—let's go out." It might have preserved their friendship or at least calmed him. Perhaps, over time, it could have blossomed into more.

***

A decade later, Hyerim still found herself surrounded by "chimps," though she now understood their behavior was driven by primal instincts.

She had hoped the men would be more gentlemanly and the women more graceful at a prestigious university like Gogo University’s Business School. Yet, the boasting merely shifted focus to education and wealth.

There was a tradition at Gogo University where seniors would treat freshmen to meals at the beginning of the semester, a practice considered a kind gesture. However, yesterday, after buying a meal at the campus cafeteria for another freshman, a male senior suggested taking Hyerim to a fancy restaurant. Accepting such an offer risked backlash from peers - oddly, directed at Hyerim rather than the senior.

She'd face judgment regardless, so Hyerim preferred living on her terms. She wasn’t so badly off that she could be enticed with food—what was that all about, anyway?

Plus, at every university outing, there seemed to be numerous guys suggesting they step out to buy ice cream. Why was it always ice cream? Hyerim wondered who had started this trend. She might consider it if someone suggested going out for Korean soup, but no one ever did.

With numerous men making advances, women's gossip about Hyerim intensified. Such talk persisted regardless of her behavior. Uninterested in departmental politics, she avoided unnecessary socializing, making her an easy target for gossip.

Of course, everyone acted friendly to her face, but Hyerim saw through it. Some even shared gossip about her, thinking it would forge a bond. What kind of twisted social ecosystem was this?

Hyerim found human relationships utterly repulsive.

Despite her disgust, she found one true friend - Jieun Yoo, a senior. They met in a film club Hyerim briefly joined before quitting due to constant drinking meetups. Jieun was the only relationship she retained from that experience.

Jieun, petite and unassuming, never spoke ill of others. In fact, she preferred not to talk about living people at all, eagerly shifting conversations to topics about Studio Ghibli, Pixar, or Disney whenever possible. Despite her innocent looks, she had a strong liking for alcohol. Her approachable demeanor attracted many men who wanted to try their luck with her, but she was genuinely only interested in drinking with them. Jieun’s world revolved almost entirely around animated films.

Once, Hyerim found her crying alone in front of her laptop. Jieun was watching “Inside Out” on her laptop.

“Have you never watched it before?”

“This is my ninth time,” Jieun replied, wiping tears from her cheeks.

“And you’re still crying?”

“Of course.”

It was 1 p.m. on a weekday, but there was already a crushed beer can on the corner of the table. In a way, Jieun embodied the film club's true spirit - twenty percent movies, eighty percent drinking. Perhaps that was why Jieun had remained single since Hyerim knew her.

Hyerim appreciated Jieun's discretion and their shared love for Studio Ghibli. Hyerim had watched "Spirited Away" six times, drawn to it during holiday specials.

Her favorite character from the movie was Haku. Haku reminded her of Yoonwoo from her childhood. Haku suffered secretly from a curse in the same way that Yoonwoo had endured his hidden pain.

She had once talked about Yoonwoo with Jieun while they were drinking. Jieun had expressed a wish to meet someone like him and had seemed eager to hear more.

But of course, the person who most wanted to meet Yoonwoo was Hyerim.

***

“Economics department, Yoonwoo Lee.”

“Yes.”

“Is there a student named Yoonwoo Lee here?”

“Yeah, I’m here.”

It was the week right after the course adjustment period had ended, during the Contemporary Management class, when the professor called the roll for the first time. Hyerim sat up straight when she heard the name. Yoonwoo wasn’t an uncommon name, but it wasn’t particularly unique either, so there was always the possibility of it being another person with the same name.

However, that voice. It was a baritone, soft and melodious, a beautiful voice. She imagined Yoonwoo’s voice would sound like that as an adult. She had heard young Yoonwoo’s voice in her mind many times, so she immediately knew the voice sounded familiar.

Ten years wasn’t as long as it sounded.

When she checked the seating chart pinned on the classroom’s back door by the professor, she found that the name Yoonwoo Lee was right next to her on the left.

If this Yoonwoo Lee is the same Yoonwoo Lee from the fourth grade... Could this be destiny? An act of fate?

After Monday's seating announcement, Hyerim eagerly anticipated Wednesday's class. Fate, however, had other plans.

During Tuesday's Principles of Economics, the Bolivian professor stumbled over names.

"Yeon...Yun...Yeonu? Yoonu Lee?" she called with a heavy accent.

A man’s voice responded, “Here.”

Hyerim knew that voice. Due to the small size of the classroom, Hyerim immediately spotted him. It was a more mature version of the angelic face of Yoonwoo from her childhood.

It was indeed the Yoonwoo she knew.

The Contemporary Management class quickly became the most rewarding time for her. Twice weekly, she reveled in 75 minutes of uninterrupted Yoonwoo-watching. And since he tended to fall asleep once the class started, she didn’t have to worry about him noticing.

On their first day seated together, Hyerim feigned sleep, fearing he'd catch her staring. She was also concerned that he might be passionately interested in the class and would pay close attention, but fortunately, he wasn’t enthusiastic about the lectures.

She meticulously noted the details of his features—his eyes, nose, lips, the shape of his earlobes, and the curve from his neck to his shoulders. She compared these to her memories of young Yoonwoo, noting what had remained the same and what had changed. He now had prominent chest and arm muscles, yet his skin was still as pale as when he was younger.

She even thought about lightly touching him while he slept but decided not to, reminding herself that she couldn’t risk making the same kind of mistakes she did in her childhood. This time, she was determined to get closer to him. She spent the next few days wondering how to approach him when an unexpected opportunity arose in their Principles of Economics class. The professor instructed the students to form teams for a group project.

The Principles of Economics course was a strategic choice for Hyerim. She deliberately selected a time slot popular with engineering students, escaping the social politics of her business peers. A last-minute switch during registration proved brilliant.

When the professor gave them time to form teams for the assignment, she made a beeline for Yoonwoo.

“You’re taking the Contemporary Management course, right?”

She approached him as if they were new acquaintances, fearing that revealing their shared past might evoke painful memories. Hyerim regretted her childhood actions, wishing she could shake sense into her younger self.

In a lecture hall filled with Food and Resources Economics students, approaching a familiar face from her business class seemed natural. Yet, anxiety gnawed at her.

What if he remembers me by chance? What then?

“Ah, yes…” Yoonwoo replied, looking slightly puzzled.

Fortunately, he accepted her offer to be teammates. It seemed he hadn’t recognized her as Hyerim from fourth grade, which was a relief but also somewhat disappointing. Nonetheless, this chance was a decade in the making. Now closer to Yoonwoo, Hyerim hoped to express what she couldn't ten years ago.

As she contemplated this, a sleazy guy tried to join their group, but she quickly brushed him off. It seemed like annoying interlopers appeared every time she tried to get closer to Yoonwoo. This time, she was determined not to let obstacles derail her plans.