Delusional Love

After having lunch with Hyerim, Yoonwoo felt like dying. It was partly because he was tense talking to Hyerim, but the bigger problem was his stomach.

I feel like my stomach is going to burst.

He was used to barely satiating his hunger and rarely ate to such excess. He knew it would help to go to the bathroom and get it all out, but the urge never came, leaving him bloated.

That nap in class didn’t help at all. I’m so tired, and I’m so stuffed. I feel like the boa constrictor that swallowed an elephant in “The Little Prince.”

He normally went to the library to review his class notes, but his stomach was his top priority today.

Maybe I should just hit the gym.

“Where are you going now, Yoonwoo?”

Please, no more questions. Just stop.

He stifled a groan. “The gym,” he replied, hoping to end the conversation.

“Do you usually go at this time?”

“No, but I’m too full. Need to get moving.”

Hyerim’s eyes widened. “You’re that full?”

Hyerim had eaten almost twice as much as Yoonwoo and seemed fine, which puzzled him.

“Hmm, maybe I should work out, too? Actually, that’s a good idea! I just need to change my clothes quickly. Let’s go together!”

“Huh? I’m not going to do a full workout. I’m only going to do something quick to—”

“Don’t be like that. Let’s do some weight training together. You practice alone watching YouTube, right? I’ve been doing CrossFit for a few years. I can help you with your form.”

“Uh, I don’t think I have time.”

“It’s not even 3.30 p.m. yet, and the gym will be empty, so it’ll be comfortable. Oh, are you worried about not having enough time to study? Do you know the Tabata workouts? They only take four minutes.”

He sighed.

Today, Hyerim was relentless. Other than a direct refusal like “I wish you wouldn’t ask me because I don’t like it,” she blocked all possible forms of rejection. Essentially, refusal was not an option. Yoonwoo should have just said he was going to the library. However, he found it hard to lie without a good reason.

Yoonwoo’s stomach churned at the thought of weight training with Hyerim. The image of himself red-faced and straining under weights she’d lift with ease made him wince. He remembered Hyerim mentioning she felt self-conscious about working out because her makeup might run from sweat. Was that just a ploy to see if he was watching her?

Before he could dwell further, a KakaoTalk message pinged on his phone: “Don’t start without me!” He had no choice but to wait for her.

Despite his anxieties, Hyerim proved to be an exceptional instructor. She highlighted nuances absent from YouTube tutorials—optimal grip techniques, muscle engagement strategies, and proper weight distribution for deadlifts. Her guidance was precise yet easily digestible.

After listening to Hyerim’s explanations, Yoonwoo heaved the barbell off the ground. One hundred and ten kilograms - just five more than before, yet Hyerim erupted in applause.

Her enthusiasm puzzled him. He’d seen her casually lift a hundred kilos like it was nothing. Was she patronizing him? Her praise felt like a mother cooing over a toddler’s first steps.

Yoonwoo couldn’t recall if he’d ever received such adulation as a child.

“Now for Tabata squats,” Hyerim announced, demonstrating the punishing routine. Twenty seconds of rapid-fire squats, ten seconds rest, repeat for four minutes. No wonder her legs were so... formidable.

When he faltered midway, she smiled and said, “Since it’s your first time, don’t overdo it. Just try to keep at least eight reps per set.”

She mentioned that any exercise could be efficient in this cycle format; even a burpee test could be done as Tabata. This was valuable information for Yoonwoo, who valued efficiency over time.

After their workout, she insisted they leave together, so he showered quickly and then waited for her at the gym entrance.

Hyerim smiled when she saw him waiting and said cheerfully, “How about now? Is your stomach feeling better? Are you hungry?”

“Still full, actually,” Yoonwoo said, surprised to find he meant it.

“Oh,” Hyerim’s face fell slightly. “You don’t eat much, do you? If you had said you were hungry, I would have suggested we go for dinner. There’s a good udon place nearby.”

He was glad he had honestly said he was full. Yoonwoo thought he understood why Hyerim still had some soft curves despite her intense workouts.

Of course, it doesn’t look bad at all.

“What are you doing now, Yoonwoo?”

“Home”

“Where’s that?”

“Near Jooshin Hospital.”

“Aren’t you in the economics department? Most econ students live near the back gate of the campus. Why do you live so far away?”

“It’s cheaper there.”

“Oh, okay.”

He hadn’t realized Hyerim was so chatty. They’d only dropped formalities that morning, but her relentless questions seemed to pry information from him easily. She now knew where he lived. Were team project members usually this close?

Something doesn’t seem right, but I don’t know what.

He puzzled over Hyerim’s motives. Rabbit was his usual conversation partner, but today he’d spent hours talking with Hyerim. He tried to guess her angle, but fatigue and lingering fullness dulled his thoughts.

“I thought we could walk home together,” Hyerim said. I’m sorry for making you wait.”

“No, it’s okay. I haven’t been waiting for long. And thanks to you, I lifted more weights than usual,” he replied honestly.

“Really? I’m glad!”

“Yeah. Thanks.”

“Okay, well, take care! Today was fun.”

Yoonwoo nodded at her and started to walk home, relieved their paths diverged. Although Rabbit was also talkative, she was easier to talk to where he could coast on “Oh really?” and “Is that so?” On the other hand, Hyerim demanded responses. Exhausting.

He brushed off the urge to decode Hyerim’s friendliness. Objectively, they were just project partners who’d had lunch. Standard college stuff. The gym invite was odd, though. Maybe she was bored?

He sighed.

How can a sparrow understand the mind of a phoenix? How can an introvert like me understand the mind of an extrovert?

Yoonwoo pondered Hyerim’s willingness to work out with him, makeup-free and sweaty. It suggested she wasn’t concerned about her appearance around him. Dealing with someone like her required caution. He set two mental rules: never assume she had feelings for him, and guard against developing feelings himself. This would protect the dark, narrow space where he, a mere bug, resided.

Love had always been one-sided for Yoonwoo. His meticulously nurtured feelings were inevitably trashed by others.

In first grade, he’d crafted a paper carnation for his parents, swelling with pride at his teacher’s praise. Despite his loving effort and anticipation of their delight, the flower ended up in the garbage the next day.

From then on, Yoonwoo discarded his school-made carnations. Instead, he saved to buy artificial ones his parents wore proudly to work. He learned early that others didn’t value his heartfelt creations.

It was wiser for him to discard his feelings before anyone else could throw them into the trash with disdain.

He had tried to crumple up and discard his feelings for Hyerim in the fourth grade, but he kept a glimmer of hope because he was young, making it impossible to shield his heart from her. But after Yoonwoo realized he was only an object of pity to Hyerim, he couldn’t contain his anger. He should have kept quiet about it. It was embarrassing to think he’d cried when he asked her to be his girlfriend.

To her, Yoonwoo’s feelings must have felt as disgusting as dog feces.

Rather than repeatedly watching his carefully packaged emotions torn apart, Yoonwoo decided it was better to feel nothing at all.

Besides, he planned to die in three years. He had Rabbit, who was willing to die with him. Considering his life, it was enough not to be alone at the end.

Back at his studio apartment, he tried to concentrate on studying. The notification ping from his phone alerted him to Rabbit’s message suggesting a voice chat. He checked the time and saw it was only 8 p.m. It was earlier than usual.

“Tofu, what are you doing?”

“I was just studying. You’re up early.”

“Yeah! Did something happen today?”

“Why do you ask?”

“I sense these things,” she replied vaguely.

Yoonwoo couldn’t figure out how Rabbit noticed such subtle changes in his mood. Truth was, spending the day with Hyerim, seeing her up close, had stirred something in him. He was human; he couldn’t entirely prevent feelings from sprouting.

Whenever a faint hint of hope emerged, he would deploy his worst memories from the past as a weed killer to snuff them out. But just like herbicide didn’t only kill weeds, the bad memories would relentlessly criticize and belittle every part of his existence through the night. The memories of fourth-grade Hyerim were particularly painful.

The memory of crying in front of Hyerim Jo and his fourth-grade class loomed, ready to crush him again tonight.

“Hmm. Well, nothing much, I’m just a bit—”

Three loud KakaoTalk notifications interrupted him. He’d set the volume high for Rabbit’s messages. It was Hyerim:

Yoonwoo!

Are you free on Saturday evening?

The final message was an emoticon of a cat with hopeful eyes.

“Who’s that?” Rabbit asked, clearly having heard the alerts.

“Group project partner, asking about Saturday.”

“A girl?”

“Yeah.”

“Does she like you?”

“I don’t think so.”

“Then why ask about your weekend?”

“Maybe she wants to review the group project together? Now that I think about it, maybe she disagreed with the part I did. It could be that. There were parts where I felt like I was stretching the explanations.”

“I don’t think so. Reply and see what she says.”

Rabbit’s tone sounded cold. When she talked about her father, her icy voice was so frightening that since then, even the slightest deepening of her voice would make Yoonwoo tense up.

Saturday evening? I don’t have any plans.

Yoonwoo sent the message, but Hyerim replied quickly with a succession of texts:

Then you know,

We have classes together, and we’re doing a group project this semester.

How about we grab a beer to get to know each other better?

Oh! And like today, it would be great to exercise together.

The final message was another emoticon. This time of a cat dancing with a sparrow.

“What did she say?” Rabbit asked after after the pings.

“She’s suggesting we work out together and then have a beer.”

“She likes you.”

“It’s not like that, Rabbit.”

“Why not? She asked you to drink.”

“She’s not that type. We’re from different worlds.”

“What? Does she live in another dimension?”

“Something like that,” he sighed.

Everyone was living in their own world. The world of ants and the world of humans were entirely different. Being on the same earth didn’t mean living in the same world.

“What does that mean? What will you do, Tofu?”

“I’m not meeting her.”

“Why? Don’t you like her? Is she unattractive?”

“It’s not that. I just can’t afford drinks.”

“Oh...”

Yoonwoo had mentioned his tight budget to Hyerim before, but he doubted she grasped it. Maybe she thought drink money was trivial. He could eat for 3,900 won; a single beer at a bar cost 4,000.

“If you had money, would you go?” Rabbit pressed.

“No,” he replied quickly.

“Why friend-zone her? Do you dislike her that much?”

“It’s not that. I already planned to drink with you on Saturday. I even bought canned beer on the way home. I didn’t tell her because a loner like me having plans seems unbelievable. But I do have plans. With you. What excuse should I use?”

“I’m touched, Tofu. But don’t do that.”

“Huh?”

“I’ll give you money. Go have fun with her.”

“Why? I want to spend time with you.”

“Tofu, you’re always down. You eat ’salad with tuna’ or ’salad with grilled thigh meat.’ I worry you’ll die before we can die together.”

“At least it’s healthy, right?”

“How does any adult man live like that? Eat like a college student. Have chicken or pork belly with beer, then talk to me. Don’t stay home just because you promised me.”

Rabbit’s voice oozed care, but accepting money from her felt wrong.

“No, I’ll decline. Taking your money feels... How do you have extra anyway?”

“Why wouldn’t I?”

“You say you spend it all on drinking and MapleStory. Buy yourself something nice. I’m fine.”

“No! I do have money! Tofu, you’re rude!”

“You do? How...?”

“I sold some MapleStory items. Whatever.”

“Wow.”

“Take it. Tell me your bank details.”

“I don’t know...”

“Hurry up!”

“But money between us...”

“Hey! Tell me now.”

Overwhelmed, Yoonwoo relented. She deposited 50,000 won, sender listed as “Wabbit.”

“Rabbit, it’s too much.”

“Shut up.”

“Okay.”

“I’d be jealous if you met her alone. Ask if she can bring a friend.”

“Huh? How?”

“Ask if drinking alone would be awkward and if she has friends to invite.”

“Won’t that upset her?”

“Do you want her upset or me?”

He paused. “Alright, I’ll ask her.”

Rabbit’s mood shifted from warm to threatening, leaving Yoonwoo uneasy. He messaged Hyerim as instructed. Her quick, enthusiastic replies filled his screen:

Should we do that? I have a friend, actually she’s my unni. She’s a year older than us, and she loves drinking!

Her name’s Jieun. She’s also in the economics department.

Anyway, I’ll talk to her. She never says no to a drinking meetup, lol!

See you Saturday, Yoonwoo!