Fugly Casanova

“Ugh, I’m so nervous,” Joonki groaned, clutching his head in frustration.

Beside him, Noeul took a long sip of his iced Americano. “Hey, just watching you breathe is A-plus content. Even you sitting still is entertaining.”

“Come on, don’t mess with me,” Joonki said, his hair disheveled as he shot Noeul a glare.

He looks even better with his hair all messy, Noeul thought.

Glancing anxiously at his watch, Joonki noted that Jiwoo was due to arrive soon. He nudged Noeul with his elbow.

“What are you craving these days? I’ll treat you big time if this goes well.”

“You better keep your promise. I want your entire paycheck.”

“Of course. Who else would take time out of their day to help a friend’s love life? I owe you one. For real.”

Noeul wanted to tell him not to use phrases like “for real” around Jiwoo but decided against it.

Anything Joonki said would sound cool anyway. Who was he to give advice? Today, his job was just to be the comic relief and keep things light. Just because he was invited to hang out with a girl didn’t mean he should start acting out of his league. That would only lead to accusations of overstepping.

Joonki straightened his shoulders and smoothed out his clothes, turning to Noeul. “Do I look okay?”

“You’d look fine even if you were dunked in the Han River and rolled around in the dirt. Don’t worry.”

“Stop joking around.”

Noeul wasn’t joking, though. Spitting on a jewel doesn’t make it any less valuable. Wash it off, and it shines just as bright. On the other hand, no amount of gold dust can make poop anything more than gold-covered poop.

Noeul stole glances at Joonki, marveling at how the good-looking seemed to have it all: thick hair, minimal sweating, small pores, perfect teeth. They barely felt the heat or the cold, as if these traits came as a package deal for the more attractive.

He decided to stop sneaking peeks. I’ll just look like the jealous, ugly guy envying his handsome friend.

And what was Joonki so worried about? All he needed to do was sit there and occasionally say something like, “Oh really?” and the girls would be smitten. Even a puzzled “What did you say?” would come across as charmingly indifferent.

That’s the nature of charm. Whatever you say or do is seen through the lens of your physical appearance. Words from a not-so-pretty face come across as not-so-pretty, and actions taken by an average person are average.

Joonki knew this well. Having lived with that face for over twenty years, he didn’t need someone to explicitly tell him, “You’re hot.” It was evident in the looks and atmosphere around him. If he ever asked, “What’s so attractive about me?” people would eagerly explain.

“Oh, you brought a friend.”

Before they knew it, Jiwoo was standing by their table. When Joonki had mentioned he had feelings for someone, Noeul found it hard to believe. Usually, it was Joonki who was the object of admiration. But upon seeing Jiwoo, he instantly understood why.

Jiwoo was striking, surpassing many idols with her long, glossy black hair, finely sculpted face, captivating cat-like eyes, sparkling small lips, and a mole beneath her eye that added to her almost ethereal beauty. She looked AI-generated.

“Oh, you’re here,” Joonki said stiffly, almost like a robot.

Jiwoo chuckled and sat across from him.

Knew it.

In situations like these, it wasn’t wise for anyone to mimic Joonki’s awkwardness. When a hot guy likes a beautiful girl, people are thrilled. But if an unattractive guy likes a beautiful girl, it puts people off. At best, he might receive a sympathetic nod.

Noeul’s strategy was surprisingly simple: treat them like anyone else. Pretending not to see their beauty avoided the pitfalls of appearing bitter. Saying something combative like, “You think she’s pretty? I don’t see it,” would make him seem resentful. A more balanced approach, like, “Jiwoo? Oh, yeah, she’s pretty,” was safer and more tactful.

Noeul greeted Jiwoo with a warm smile. “Nice to finally meet you. I’ve heard a lot about you.”

This was how Noeul made people who might have been wary of his appearance think, “He’s no looker, but he’s got a great personality.”

Jiwoo gave Noeul a faint smile in return.

Without even looking, Noeul could feel the stares in the café. They were directed at the visually striking pair of Joonki and Jiwoo. Some were probably for Noeul, too, wondering what he was doing there. Ignoring these glances was crucial—acknowledging them would only invite pity.

Meanwhile, Joonki, visibly tense, clasped his hands under the table and rubbed his knees. He barely managed to look Jiwoo in the eyes as he spoke.

“So… do you like surfing?”

“Yeah. How did you know?”

“Ah, your profile picture. I saw you surfing in your messenger photos… Not that I was stalking or anything…”

“It’s fine. That’s why the photos are there. Do you surf too?”

“I’ve tried a few times. I’m not very good at it, though…”

Noeul instinctively knew it was his cue to step in.

“Hey, if you’re not good, then what does that make us? A bunch of worms?”

“Huh? What are you talking about?” Joonki said with an awkward laugh.

There, just laugh like that, and she’ll be won over in no time, Noeul thought.

Jiwoo looked intrigued. “Did you go surfing with your friends?”

“Yeah, we were like Poseidon and his foes,” Noeul replied.

“What do you mean?”

“Well, we rented wetsuits to go surfing, right? This guy here put his on first, and he looked so cool. I got hopeful for myself and went to put mine on. But when I came out, I looked like one of those villains from the Detective Conan cartoons.”

“What?”

“You don’t know? Look it up. If you search for ‘Conan villain,’ you’ll see what I mean.”

Jiwoo pulled out her phone and tapped the screen. Shortly after, she burst into laughter, and Joonki and Noeul joined in.

Noeul realized the importance of not taking his appearance too seriously. By poking fun at himself, he made it easier for others to laugh along, and he came across as easygoing. Riding this momentum, Noeul carried on with his story.

“So, after surfing, our plan was to head back to Seoul the next day. Everyone had a lot to drink that night, myself included. The next morning, I woke up to the blinding sun, groggy, and found myself lying on some bench. My head was killing me, and I went to Joonki, ‘How did I end up here?’ He explained that everyone else had left to catch the bus, but he stayed behind because I was knocked out.”

Joonki gave an awkward smile and scratched the back of his head.

Jiwoo looked at him with admiration. “You’re pretty loyal.”

“Oh, I wouldn’t say loyal,” Joonki replied. “I had no urgent plans the next day, so I just waited around. It felt wrong to leave him by himself.”

Noeul chimed in with a grin. “Joonki, that’s called loyalty.”

Joonki and Jiwoo laughed. As Noeul continued talking, Joonki seemed to relax more and started conversing with Jiwoo more comfortably. They were hitting it off well.

Sensing that things were going smoothly, Noeul knew it was time for him to step back and simply respond when needed. Dominating the conversation now would only make him seem like he was seeking attention.

Noeul was starting to feel bored. He wanted to head home quickly. The truth was, conversations among the stunningly attractive were often dull because they got by on their looks alone. However, Noeul knew that tagging along with Joonki boosted his own social standing. While some might think hanging out with a handsome guy like Joonki might underscore his own lack of good looks, Noeul had accepted his role. Being the funny guy next to good-looking Joonki had its perks.

Noeul recognized he could never outshine Joonki in popularity. He had once hoped that his personality might win more affection than his friend’s looks, but he eventually understood that was a naive thought.

Society grades people from birth, and these grades are plainly written on their faces. Noeul had come to accept that his current reputation was the best he could achieve, given the cards he’d been dealt. Wanting more would be like reaching for the unattainable, and any protest against the unfairness would likely be dismissed as insecurity.

Recognizing his position and understanding his realistic prospects was crucial for someone like him. Noeul was grateful for this clarity.

“Should we get going?” Joonki said, glancing at his watch.

Noeul checked the time as well, pretending to be surprised at how late it had gotten. Jiwoo grabbed her bag.

Noeul inwardly breathed a sigh of relief. At last, he could go home and unwind. Why spend his precious weekend meddling in someone’s love life, especially when it involved such attractive people?

Anyone watching would find it laughable.

Yet, this was his way of fitting in with his peers. A wry smile unknowingly crossed his face as they stepped outside the café.

“Which way are you guys heading?” Jiwoo asked.

Noeul gave Joonki a meaningful look as if to say, “Aren’t you going to spend more time with her?”

Joonki hesitated, looking unsure.

Jiwoo waved her hand. “My bus is that way.”

Noeul thought about encouraging Joonki once more but decided against it. They could always arrange to meet another time.

He waved to both of them and said, “I’m taking the subway. See you guys.”

***

Bzzz.

Noeul fumbled for his phone on the bedside table.

[Did you get home ok?]

The sender’s profile name was “Jiwoo.” Surprised, Noeul checked the profile picture. It really was Jiwoo. What’s this about?

Oh, he quickly reasoned, she’s probably just maintaining her image because I’m so close to Joonki. This happened often. He couldn’t let himself think she might be interested in him because he was funny. The right move was to respond in a way that matched her tone.

[Yeah. Did you?]

[Yeah. I had fun today haha.]

[Me too lol. Let’s hang out again sometime.]

[For sure. I feel like I didn’t get to talk to you much today.]

Noeul scoffed.

“Didn’t talk much, or didn’t want to?”

He replied:

[Maybe haha. Anyway, goodnight.]

He sent a sleeping fox emoji wrapped in a blanket.

[I’ll sleep later. Are you going to sleep now?]

Did she have something more to say? Typically, when someone sends a “goodnight” message with an emoji, the conversation ends there. But Jiwoo was still texting. Noeul replied:

[I’m going to sleep now. Why?]

[It’s kinda early.]

[I usually go to bed early haha.]

[Do you wake up early too?]

Noeul couldn’t understand why Jiwoo was dragging out the conversation.

[Yeah, kind of. Did you have something you wanted to tell Joonki?]

[No? Why?]

[Seemed like you did.]

[Huh? No haha. I just wanted to chat with you.]

Noeul felt a surge of anger. Why was she saying this? Was she trying to give him false hope? And if he did entertain that hope, then what?

Occasionally, someone would show interest in Noeul. Naturally, they didn’t actually like him. What they liked was the fact that Noeul loved them.

Was it like how Esmeralda must have felt being adored by Quasimodo?

Noeul couldn’t understand it. But he knew one thing for sure: expecting kindness from others only led to misery.

Jiwoo’s continued interest was baffling. Attractive people might not realize how their attention could make others uncomfortable. Noeul couldn’t just say, “I wanted to chat with you.” People didn’t want to chat with him.

If Jiwoo expressed interest, most would be thrilled. Noeul’s world, by contrast, was vastly different from Jiwoo and Joonki’s. Thinking about these differences only deepened his sense of isolation.

He’d lived a miserable life, so he had developed a lot of coping strategies. His best move now was to retreat before he got hurt.

[I don’t really have anything to say haha. I’m going to sleep now. Bye.]

Noeul switched his phone to silent and tossed it onto his bedside table.