Hexed Intention

Honestly, Yoonmin felt good. When Jian turned her back on Haein and came to him, a sense of elation spread throughout his chest. That’s right, Haein, there’s no way your life would stay great forever. Now you get to understand how it feels.

After all the pain Yoonmin had endured because of Haein, after living with that pain for two years, and becoming a whole new person with a twisted personality, Haein apologizes and begs for forgiveness, and then goes on with her perfect life? In what world was that fair?

In fact, Yoonmin had begun to regret forgiving Haein. Why on earth did he forgive her? Why did he give her any chance at easing her mind even a little? At the time, he’d been too affected by seeing Haein’s pretty face contort. Getting angry at such a pitiful version of Haein felt as ruthless as kicking a cat or tearing the wings off a butterfly.

Now that he thought about it, maybe that was Haein’s survival strategy. Like a chameleon’s camouflage, or a butterfly with eye-like patterns on its wings, Haein had cultivated a talent for evoking pity from others.

What had he gained by forgiving Haein? He only ended up watching her enjoy her life from afar. All he’d gotten was the feeling of his insides boiling as he watched Haein’s five, cool friends embrace her despite what she’d done, chatting and laughing like nothing happened.

Did you really think your actions would have no consequences? Haein Ju, you think karma would allow you to keep your comfortable social status? You thought pretty words and a few tears would be the conclusion of the past two years? Really?

Was the reignition of his fury a symptom of being a social outcast? Even though he had agreed to forgive her, he now realized he wasn’t even capable of forgiveness. Should he stomp over there and say it to her face?

Actually, I can’t forgive you. I fucking hate that you’re happy.

He was hiding these thoughts inside when Jian shouted, “I said let go!”

Haein’s face crumpled. Yoonmin watched as her happy life began crashing down around her. Yes, this was how things should naturally unfold. Karma and retribution had come for Haein Ju.

And Jian Kim, Haein’s best friend, was the catalyst. Out of all the friends Haein met after betraying Yoonmin, the closest person to her was going to be her downfall. Perhaps Jian had even been the person to take Yoonmin’s place. That would make this revenge all the sweeter.

The person who cared about Haein the most was leaving her… Could there be anything more satisfying?

Just look at that dumbfounded face. Now do you understand how I felt? Do you understand how it felt when the person I trusted most suddenly abandoned me?

Yoonmin tried not to look at Haein’s face. He wasn’t about to fall for her sympathy-inducing chameleon’s face again.

Yoonmin left the classroom with Jian.

“What about Jiyoo?” Jian asked as they walked.

“She said she had to get home fast today. Said she has something to do.”

“I see… Can I come to Jiyoo’s house too?” she asked hopefully.

“Well… That’s what we promised, right? I guess it should be fine.”

“That’s a relief.”

Jian’s face was dark. Even her posture was slightly hunched, detracting from her height. She was the picture of dejection. A shadow fell over Yoonmin’s satisfaction. The perfect scene of Jian rejecting Haein had been playing on an endless loop in his head.

But stepping back from that scene, looking at Jian as a person, he felt his pleasure evaporate. After all, Jian must be heartbroken after cutting off her best friend of two years, no matter what she had done to deserve it. Whatever caused Jian to make such a decision must still be hanging over her.

Should he say something? Or should they just go to Jiyoo’s house like this? How was Jian feeling right now? As Yoonmin’s thoughts turned from victorious glee to uncomfortable problem-solving, Jian spoke.

“Yoonmin. You don’t like Haein, right?”

Yoonmin looked at Jian suspiciously. “Why?”

“Can you just tell me what happened between you and her?”

“I don’t… really want to talk about it.”

“Then… from your perspective, what kind of person do you think she is?”

Yoonmin didn’t respond right away.

What kind of person is Haein? A traitor, witch, hypocrite, self-centered person… His mind was filled to the brim with nasty things to call Haein. But for reasons even he didn’t understand, he didn’t want to utter any of them out loud.

“I… really liked Haein. She was pretty… and kind,” said Jian.

Jian didn’t even look at Yoonmin. It was almost like she was talking to herself. Yoonmin gave a noncommittal grunt which seemed to be enough for Jian to continue.

“When we became 9th graders, I remember thinking about this really pretty girl sitting in the classroom. I wanted to try to get to know her, so I went over to her seat during lunch. I said, ‘Those meatballs look really delicious, can I have one?’ And then I made a big fuss about how delicious it was. But her reaction was so minimal that I thought I might be bothering her, so I went back to my seat. But then…”

Jian’s pace slowed. Yoomin’s footsteps mirrored hers.

“The next day, she brought a container packed full of something. She handed it to me… and when I looked inside, there was a mountain of meatballs. So, how could I not like her? She was so sweet.”

Yoonmin wasn’t comfortable hearing this. He couldn’t be, because this happened the year after Haein betrayed him.

Are you saying that, after betraying me, her only friend, Haein did that to make you like her? Well, you must have looked like a knight in shining armor to Haein. After all, she only dreamed of being popular. You were confident, principled, outgoing, and pretty… She must have thought becoming friends with you was way better than hanging out with a loser like me. Did she even think about me while making those meatballs?

“Pretty, a bit shy, but kind, cute, affectionate… I thought I knew her. But… somehow… I keep thinking that I might have been wrong. Ever since a few days ago…”

Jian’s voice gradually sank lower. Yoonmin listened quietly.

“The reason Haein suddenly distanced herself from me… She told the others that she did it because she thought it was the only way to be forgiven by you.She was sobbing and apologizing as if she was about to beg on her hands and knees. It showed how desperately she wanted to mend her relationship with you. The others accepted her apology. Well, actually, with the way she was acting, none of us felt like we could refuse her apology. But…”

Jian’s voice wavered as tears spilled over.

“I… I just can’t accept it. When I see her face now, I remember how cold she sounded when she told me to leave her alone. I remember how she looked at me, like I was an insect beneath her shoe. At the time, I thought really hard about whether I had done something wrong. I tried to figure out why she was upset. But it was a waste of time. Didn’t Haein just… use me as a means to get your attention? If that’s true, then I really never knew her. The Haein I know is kind and sweet, but, deep down, is she actually a selfish person who doesn’t hesitate to use others as pawns in her game?

That’s exactly right. You finally see the real Haein Ju. You tried to find the good in her, but Haein is self-centered and doesn’t mind betraying others for her own benefit.

What if he said that out loud? Would it completely sever the relationship between Jian and Haein? Would Haein fall into deeper despair? Would Yoonmin find that satisfying? Yeah, maybe he would.

“Can you tell me, Yoonmin? Did Haein… do something similar to you, too?”

But how would Jian feel if he voiced his thoughts? Yoonmin knew that feeling all too well. He had felt it for two years. That feeling of being trapped in a deep swamp… Even if left alone, Jian would walk towards the swamp anyway. Her misery was inevitable. However, Yoonmin didn’t want to be the one to push her towards it.

He didn’t answer Jian’s question. Soon, they arrived at Jiyoo’s house.

***

If you could turn back time while retaining your memories, when would be the best time to return to? Haein was lost in her own head, not even trying to focus in the class. She couldn’t hear a word of what the teacher was saying

What if she went back to her first day at Seorim Middle School? Or the day before betraying Yoonmin? No, even if she could go back to just a few days ago, before pushing Jian away, she would be satisfied with that.

She wanted to do it all over again. How could one person have committed so many sins? Yes, everything was Haein’s fault. There was no one else to blame. Thinking step by step about why things turned out this way only led to thoughts of wanting to die.

Yoonmin was a precious friend. The only person who befriended Haein when she was an outcast in her 8th grade classroom. A friend who always thought of stupid jokes with her, even though he didn’t particularly like the jokes himself. Haein had completely turned her back on someone so rare and wonderful. Why? Because she wanted to be popular.

It was ridiculous, wasn’t it? What kind of reason was that? What even was being popular? Haein hadn’t even known what a popular kid’s life was like in the first place. If you don’t know anything about something, it’s too easy to romanticize it. She thought being popular was worth more than a friend like Yoonmin. It was a terrible thought. There couldn’t be anything better than a friend who stays with you during difficult times.

But Jian was also a precious friend. The first friend to approach Haein as soon as they became 9th graders. A steady and righteous friend, who would get angry and fight for Haein. Haein betrayed her as well. Why? Because she wanted to get Yoonmin’s attention.

Why on earth did she do that? How did it make any sense to right a wrong with a second wrong? She should have known Yoonmin would loathe that kind of behavior. Why was her thinking so short-sighted? Even after the girls accepted her apology, she should have paid more attention to Jian’s unspoken words. Why did she think it was resolved, just like that?

Why did her situation turn out like this? The reason was simple. It was because Haein Ju was unforgivably selfish. Haein was neither smart nor kind, yet she felt entitled to others’ love. She was a terrible person. The reason she lost her two dearest friends was because she wasn’t worthy of them.

Yes, it was right for those two to be together. Her other four friends, Ahyoon, Yeeun, Jinsol, and Soyul didn’t deserve to be around Haein either. Someone like Haein should be tucked away in a corner of the classroom. Eating alone, going home alone… That was the right kind of life for someone like her. That way, she wouldn’t burden others.

But… she didn’t want to be alone. Being alone was a desolate feeling. She envied people who could laugh and talk loudly. Even though she knew it was wrong of her to want such things, she couldn’t help it. The thought of being alone was too agonizing.

Last night, her mother caught her soaking her pillow with tears. The sound of her sobbing was so loud.

“Why are you crying? What happened?”

Her mother embraced Haein tightly and asked again and again why she was crying. Finally, Haein answered.

“I did something wrong to a friend… I don’t know what to do. My friend is so angry.”

Then her mother said, “Oh, Haein. Start with a small gesture. Do you know what your friend likes? Even if she is angry, she’s still your friend and I’m sure she misses you. If you try hard to fix it, everything will be okay.”

Haein thought that made sense. Although, whether it made sense or not, she had no other choice. Heeding her mother’s advice, Haein woke up at 5am and made meatballs.

There were 10 minutes left until lunchtime. Haein’s heart was pounding. This morning, Soyul had said to Haein, “You two should work your issues out, this is awkward.” Ahyoon, Yeeun, and Jinsol didn’t seem to want to get involved.

It was a problem she had to solve by herself, anyway. There was no one else to rely on.

Her blood continued to thunder in her ears as the bell rang. It was lunchtime. Class seemed to end too early today.

The boys ran for the front door as if the bell had been a signal to start a race. Haein swallowed hard and looked for Jian. She was getting up from her seat and heading towards Yoonmin. Minsu Kwon was pushing his desk next to Yoonmin’s.

“Sandwiches again? I told Yumi about you, and she said to share some of this with you,” he said. Haein envied Minsu. How could he become friends with Yoonmin so easily?

After a moment, Jian also pushed a desk in front of Yoonmin’s seat. The two people who were now united in their dislike of Haein, the two people who were once Haein’s best friends, sat side by side.

They went home together yesterday. What did they talk about as they walked? Did they swap stories about how much they hated Haein? Did Yoonmin tell Jian what Haein had done? Did they go home talking about how selfish and entitled Haein was?

Haein’s hands were shaking. Her stomach churned. But if she just sat there, nothing would change. Haein repeated her mother’s words like a mantra. Jian was her best friend until a few days ago. She wouldn’t completely ignore Haein if she showed true sincerity.

Haein stood up, holding the container with the meatballs. Then she slowly approached where Jian was sitting.

“Jian… Um…”

The three pairs of eyes turned towards Haein.

“You… like these, right? I’m sorry, a few days ago I really… I lost it. I’m sorry… Okay?”

Haein couldn’t bring herself to look at Jian’s face. She lowered her head and just looked at the container in her hands. Like a prisoner waiting for her sentence, Haein stood in silence, praying Jian would respond.

Ten painful seconds passed. Jian showed no sign of taking the container. Then, Haein heard Jian sigh.

“If I hadn’t gotten angry yesterday, you wouldn’t have apologized to me like this, would you?”

Haein couldn’t refute those words. Because it was true. All Haein could do now was apologize again.

“I’m sorry.”

“Then I’m sorry, too,” Jian said. “I don’t think I’ll be able to stomach those meatballs.”